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Mercurial > hg > plan9front / lib/strangelove

changeset 7241: 4b6277dd0535
parent: 1b8d6ac5049d
author: cinap_lenrek@felloff.net
date: Fri, 17 May 2019 01:51:28 +0200
permissions: -rw-r--r--
description: mkone: fix man target (thanks Amavect)

Amavect wrote:
> mkone and mkmany have backwards targets for installing man pages.
> This patch makes 'mk man' actually work for mkfiles that include mkone.
> mkmany is not easily fixed without breaking changes.
> It may go without saying that external repos should write their own mkfiles.
1 Dr. Strangelove: or, How I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb
2 
3 Fade in: Slow track over dense cloud cover. Rocky peaks visible in the
4 distance.
5 
6 Wildtrack:
7 
8 For more than a year, ominous rumors have been privately circulating
9 among high level western leaders, that the Soviet Union had been at
10 work on what was darkly hinted to be the ultimate weapon, a doomsday
11 device. Intelligence sources traced the site of the top secret Russian
12 project to the perpetually fog shrouded wasteland below the arctic
13 peaks of the Zokov islands. What they were building, or why it should
14 be located in a such a remote and desolate place, no one could say.
15 
16 Cut to: Roll credits. Tracking shot of B-52 in mid-air refuel.
17 Soundtrack lilts"Try a Little Tenderness."
18 
19 Columbia Pictures Corporation presents a Stanley Kubrick Production.
20 
21 Starring Peter Sellers George C. Scott
22 
23 Dr. Strangelove or: How I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb.
24 
25 Hawk Films LTD. All rights reserved.
26 
27 Co-starring Sterling Hayden Keenan Wynn Slim Pickens
28 
29 With Peter Bull James Earl Jones Tracy Reed Jack Creeley
30 
31 And Frank Berry Glen Beck Shane Rimmer Paul Tamarin Gordon Tanner
32 Robert O'Neil Roy Stephens Hal Galili Laurence Herder John McCarthy
33 
34 Art Director Peter Murton
35 
36 Production Manager Clifton Brandon
37 
38 Assistant Director Eric Rattray
39 
40 Camera Operator Kelvin Pike
41 
42 Camera Assistant Bernard Ford
43 
44 Continuity Pamela Carlton
45 
46 Wardrobe Bridget Sellers
47 
48 The characters and incidents portrayed and the names used herein are
49 fictitious and any similarity to the names, history, and characters of
50 any person is entirely accidental and unintentional.
51 
52 Special Effects Wally Veevers
53 
54 Travelling Matte Vic Margutti
55 
56 Recordist Richard Bird
57 
58 Sound Supervisor John Cox
59 
60 Dubbing Mixer John Aldred
61 
62 Sound Editor Leslie Hodgson
63 
64 Assistant Editor Ray Lovejoy
65 
66 Assembly Editor Geoffrey Fry
67 
68 Make Up Stewart Freeborn
69 
70 Hairdresser Barbara Ritchie
71 
72 Artistic Advisor Capt. John Crewdson
73 
74 Main Title Pablo Ferro
75 
76 The Producers gratefully acknowledge the assistance of Solartron
77 Electronics, Marconi's wireless telegraph-telephone manufacturing,
78 British Oxygen.
79 
80 Music Laurie Johnson
81 
82 Director of Photography Gilbert Taylor, B.S.C.
83 
84 Anthony Harvey Film Editor
85 
86 Ken Adam Production Designer
87 
88 Associate Producer Victor Lyndon
89 
90 Screenplay by Stanley Kubrick, Terry Southern & Peter George, based on
91 the book'Red Alert' by Peter George.
92 
93 Refueling nozzle gently breaks away from recieving aircraft.
94 
95 Directed and produced by Stanley Kubrick
96 
97 -----
98 
99 Cut to: Burpleson AFB, night, int, computer room. A phone buzzes.
100 
101 Petty officer:
102 
103 General Ripper, sir.
104 
105 Mandrake:
106 
107 to phone on his desk Group Captain Mandrake speaking...
108 
109 Ripper sits at his desk, cigar smoke wafting up through the light of
110 his desk lamp.
111 
112 Ripper:
113 
114 to phone This is General Ripper speaking.
115 
116 Mandrake:
117 
118 Yes, sir.
119 
120 Ripper:
121 
122 You recognize my voice, Mandrake?
123 
124 Mandrake:
125 
126 I do sir, why do you ask?
127 
128 Ripper:
129 
130 Why do you think I asked?
131 
132 Mandrake:
133 
134 Well I don't know, sir. We spoke just a few moments ago on the phone,
135 didn't we?
136 
137 Ripper:
138 
139 You don't think I'd ask if you recognized my voice unless it was
140 pretty damned important do you, Mandrake?
141 
142 Mandrake:
143 
144 No, I don't, sir. No.
145 
146 Ripper:
147 
148 Alright, let's see if we stay on the ball. Has the wing confirmed
149 holding at their failsafe points?
150 
151 Mandrake:
152 
153 Yes, sir. The confirmations have all just come in.
154 
155 Ripper:
156 
157 Very well, now, listen to me carefully. The base is being put on
158 condition red. I want this flashed to all sections immediately.
159 
160 Mandrake:
161 
162 Condition red, sir. Yes. Jolly good idea, keeps the men on their toes.
163 
164 Ripper:
165 
166 Group Captain, I'm afraid this is not a exercise.
167 
168 Mandrake:
169 
170 Not an exercise, sir?
171 
172 Ripper:
173 
174 I shouldn't tell you this, Mandrake, but you're a good officer and you
175 have a right to know. It looks like we're in a shooting war.
176 
177 Mandrake:
178 
179 Oh, hell. Are the Russians involved sir?
180 
181 Ripper:
182 
183 Mandrake, that's all I've been told. It just came in on the Red Phone.
184 My orders are for this base to be sealed tight, and that's what I mean
185 to do: seal it tight. Now, I want you to transmit plan R, R for
186 Robert, to the wing. Plan R for Robert.
187 
188 Mandrake:
189 
190 Is it that bad sir?
191 
192 Ripper:
193 
194 It looks like it's pretty hairy.
195 
196 Mandrake:
197 
198 Yes sir. Plan R for Robert, sir.
199 
200 Ripper:
201 
202 Now, last, and possibly most important, I want all privately owned
203 radios to be immediately impounded.
204 
205 Mandrake:
206 
207 Yes sir. Ripper:
208 
209 They might be used to issue instructions to saboteurs. As I have
210 previously arranged, Air Police will have lists of all owners and I
211 want every single one of them collected without exception.
212 
213 Mandrake:
214 
215 Yes sir.
216 
217 Ripper:
218 
219 And after you've done that, report back to me.
220 
221 LS Ripper in his office, closing the blinds on wall of windows looking
222 out at the base. Outside, a siren sounds.
223 
224 Cut to: ext. Airborne B-52's with escorts.
225 
226 Wildtrack:
227 
228 In order to guard against surprise nuclear attack, America's Strategic
229 Air Command maintains a large force of B-52 bombers airborne 24 hours
230 a day. Each B-52 can deliver a nuclear bombload of 50 megatons, equal
231 to 16 times the total explosive force of all the bombs and shells used
232 by all the armies in World War Two. Based in America, the Airborne
233 alert force is deployed from the Persian Gulf to the Arctic Ocean, but
234 they have one geographical factor in common: they are all two hours
235 from their targets inside Russia.
236 
237 Cut to: int. B-52. Machines spring to life as a transmission arrives.
238 
239 Goldie:
240 
241 Major Kong, I know you're gonna think this a crazy but I just got a
242 message from base over the CRM 114. It decodes as Wing Attack plan R.
243 R for Romeo.
244 
245 Kong:
246 
247 Goldie, did you say Wing Attack, plan R?
248 
249 Goldie:
250 
251 Yes Sir, I have.
252 
253 Kong:
254 
255 Goldie, how many times have I told you guys that I don't want no
256 horsin' around on the airplane?
257 
258 Goldie:
259 
260 I'm not horsin' around, sir, that's how it decodes.
261 
262 Kong:
263 
264 Well I've been to one world fair a picnic and a rodeo and that's the
265 stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones. You sure
266 you got today's code?
267 
268 Goldie:
269 
270 Yes sir, it is.
271 
272 Kong:
273 
274 Ah, there's just gotta be something wrong. Wait just a second, I'm
275 comin' back.
276 
277 Kong examines the decoded message and the code book.
278 
279 Kong:
280 
281 Maybe you better get a confirmation from base.
282 
283 Goldie:
284 
285 Yes sir.
286 
287 Bombardier:
288 
289 Major Kong, is it possible that this is some kind of loyalty test. You
290 know, give the go code and then recall to see who would actually go?
291 
292 Kong:
293 
294 Ain't nobody ever got the go code yet. And old Ripper wouldn't be
295 giving us plan R unless them Russkies had already clobbered Washington
296 and alot of other towns with a sneak attack.
297 
298 Bombardier:
299 
300 Yes sir.
301 
302 Goldie:
303 
304 Major Kong, message from base confirmed.
305 
306 Kong:
307 
308 Well boys, I reckon this is it: nuclear combat, toe to toe with the
309 Russkies.
310 
311 Kong climbs back into the cockpit. Soundtrack: Battle Hymn of the
312 Republic.
313 
314 Kong:
315 
316 Now look boys, I ain't much of a hand at makin' speeches. But I got a
317 pretty fair idea that something doggoned important's going on back
318 there. And I got a fair idea of the kind of personal emotions that
319 some of you fella's may be thinking. Heck, I reckon you wouldn't even
320 be human beings if you didn't have some pretty strong personal
321 feelings about nuclear combat. But I want you to remember one thing,
322 the folks back home is a countin' on ya, and by golly we ain't about
323 to let'em down. Tell you somethin' else. This thing turns out to be
324 half as important is I figure it just might be, I'd say that you're
325 all in line for some important promotions and personal citations when
326 this thing's over with. That goes for every last one of you,
327 regardless of your race, color, or your creed. Now, let's get this
328 thing on the hump. We got some flying to do.
329 
330 Cut to: int. General Turgidson's studio. Phone rings.
331 
332 Miss Scott:
333 
334 Shouting Buck, should I get it?
335 
336 Turgidson:
337 
338 Muffled, OF Yeah. You have to.
339 
340 Miss Scott:
341 
342 to phone Hello? Oh, yes, General Turgidson is here, but I'm afraid he
343 can't come to the phone at the moment.
344 
345 Well, this is his secretary, Miss Scott.
346 
347 softly Freddie, how are you? Fine and you? Oh, we were just catching
348 up on some of the General's paperwork. Well, look Freddie, he's very
349 tied up at the moment. I'm afraid he can't come to the phone. Well,
350 just a minute. shouts to Tuirgidson, OF General Turgidson, a General
351 Puntridge calling.
352 
353 Turgidson:
354 
355 Tell him to call back.
356 
357 Miss Scott:
358 
359 to phone Freddie, the General says could you call back in a minute or
360 two? Oh. shouting He says it can't wait.
361 
362 Turgidson:
363 
364 Ah, for Pete... well... Find out what he wants.
365 
366 Miss Scott:
367 
368 Freddie, the thing is, the General is in the powder room right now.
369 Could you tell me what it's about? Just a second...
370 
371 shouting Apparently they monitored a transmission about eight minutes
372 ago from Burpleson Air Force Base.
373 
374 to phone Right.
375 
376 shouting It was directed to the 843'rd bomb wing on airborne alert. to
377 phone Yeah.
378 
379 shouting It decoded as Wing Attack, Plan R.
380 
381 Turgidson:
382 
383 Um ah, tell him to call uh what's his name. Base commander. Ripper. I
384 have to think of everything?
385 
386 Miss Scott:
387 
388 to phone The General suggests you call General Ripper, the 843rd base
389 commander. Oh.
390 
391 shouting All communications are dead.
392 
393 Turgidson:
394 
395 Bull! Tell him to do it himself.
396 
397 Miss Scott:
398 
399 Freddie, the General asks if you could possibly try again yourself.
400 
401 I see.
402 
403 shouting He says he's tried personally several times, but everything
404 is dead. Even the normal phone lines are shut down.
405 
406 Turgidson emerges from the bathroom, grumbling.
407 
408 Turgidson:
409 
410 to phone Fred. Buck. What's it look like? Yeah. Waa... are you sure
411 it's plan R? Huh. What's cookin' on the threat board.? Nothin? Nothin
412 at all? I don't like the look of this, Fred. Alright, I tell you what
413 you better do, old buddy. slaps his belly You better give Elmo and
414 Charlie a blast, and bump everything up to condition red and stand by
415 the blower, I'll get back to you. hangs up
416 
417 Miss Scott:
418 
419 What's up?
420 
421 Turgidson:
422 
423 Nothing. Nothing. Where's my shorts?
424 
425 Miss Scott:
426 
427 On the floor. Where are you going?
428 
429 Turgidson:
430 
431 No place. No... no place... I just thought I might mosey over to the
432 War room for a few minutes. See what's doing over there.
433 
434 Miss Scott:
435 
436 It's three o'clock in the morning.
437 
438 Turgidson:
439 
440 laughs The Air Force never sleeps.
441 
442 Miss Scott:
443 
444 Buck, honey... I'm not sleepy either.
445 
446 Turgidson:
447 
448 I know how it is, baby. Tell you what you do. You just start your
449 countdown, and old Bucky'll be back here before you can say... Blast
450 Off!
451 
452 Cut to: ext. Burpleson AFB. Night. Ripper's voice booms over the PA.
453 Ready soldiers stand listening.
454 
455 Ripper:
456 
457 Your commie has no regard for human life, not even his own. And for
458 this reason, men, I want to impress upon you the need for extreme
459 watchfulness. The enemy may come individually, or he may come in
460 strength. He may even come in the uniform of our own troops. But
461 however he comes we must stop him. We must not allow him to gain
462 entrance to this base. Now, I am going to give you three simple rules.
463 First, trust no one, whatever his uniform or rank, unless he is known
464 to you personally. Second, anyone or anything that approaches within
465 200 yards of the perimeter is to be fired upon. Third, if in doubt,
466 shoot first, and ask questions afterwards. I would sooner accept a few
467 casualties through accident than lose the entire base and its
468 personnel through carelessness. Any variation on these rules must come
469 from me personally. Now, men, in conclusion, I would like to say that,
470 in the two years it has been my privilege to be your commanding
471 officer, I have always expected the best from you, and you have never
472 given me anything less than that.
473 
474 Cut to: int. Burpleson AFB, omputer room. Mandrake, who has been
475 closing up shop while listening to Ripper's speech, discovers a radio
476 inside a line printer and switches it on. Soft jazz is playing.
477 
478 Ripper:
479 
480 cont Today, the nation is counting on us. We are not going to let them
481 down. Good luck to you all.
482 
483 Cut to: int. Airborne B-52. Soundtrack: Battle Hymn of the Republic.
484 
485 Airman:
486 
487 to Kong Here's the attack profile, sir.
488 
489 Kong:
490 
491 announcing through headset intercom This is your attack profile: to
492 insure that the enemy cannot monitor voice transmission or plant false
493 transmission, the CRM114 is to be switched into all the receiver
494 circuits. Emergency phase code prefix is to be set on the dials of the
495 CRM. This'll block any transmission other than those preceded by code
496 prefix. Stand by to set code prefix.
497 
498 Goldie:
499 
500 Roger. Ready to set code prefix.
501 
502 Kong:
503 
504 Set code prefix.
505 
506 Goldie:
507 
508 dials up letters: OPE Code prefix set.
509 
510 Kong:
511 
512 Lock code prefix.
513 
514 Goldie:
515 
516 Code prefix locked.
517 
518 Kong:
519 
520 Switch all receiver circuits to CRM discriminators.
521 
522 Goldie:
523 
524 All circuits switched to CRM discriminators.
525 
526 Kong:
527 
528 Check auto destruct circuits.
529 
530 Goldie:
531 
532 Auto destruct circuits checked.
533 
534 Kong:
535 
536 Primary target, the ICBM complex at Laputa. Target reference Yankee
537 Golf Tango Three Six Zero. Thirty megaton nuclear device fused for
538 airburst at ten thousand feet. Twenty megaton nuclear device will be
539 used if first malfunctions. Otherwise proceed to secondary target,
540 missile complex seven miles east of Barshaw. Target reference November
541 Bravo X-Ray One Zero Eight. Fused airburst at ten, check, twelve
542 thousand feet.
543 
544 Cut to: int. Burpleson AFB. Mandrake walks hurredly through the halls
545 with the portable radio producing another jazz tune, now upbeat.
546 Mandrake enters Ripper's office
547 
548 Mandrake:
549 
550 Excuse me sir, something rather interesting's just cropped up. Listen
551 to that. Music. Civilian broadcasting. I think those fellows in the
552 Pentagon have given us some sort of exercise to test our readiness.
553 Personally, I think it's taking it a bit too far; our fellows will be
554 inside Russian radar cover in about twenty minutes. You listen to
555 that. Traffic block full of stations all churning it out.
556 
557 Ripper:
558 
559 Mandrake,
560 
561 Mandrake:
562 
563 Yes sir?
564 
565 Ripper:
566 
567 I thought I issued instructions for all radios on this base to be
568 impounded.
569 
570 Mandrake:
571 
572 follows Ripper as he rises from his chair to lock his office door Well
573 you did indeed sir and I was in the process of impounding this very
574 one when I happened to switch it on. I thought to myself our fellows
575 hitting Russian radar cover in twenty minutes, dropping all their
576 stuff, I'd better tell you, because if they do, it'll cause a bit of a
577 stink, won't it?
578 
579 Ripper:
580 
581 Group Captain, the officer exchange program does not give you any
582 special prerogatives to question my orders.
583 
584 Mandrake:
585 
586 Well I realize that sir, but I thought you'd be rather pleased to hear
587 the news. I mean after all, well let's face it we... we don't want to
588 start a nuclear war unless we really have to, do we?
589 
590 Ripper:
591 
592 Please sit down. And turn that thing off.
593 
594 Mandrake:
595 
596 Yes sir. Ah, what about the planes, sir? Surely you must issue the
597 recall code immediately.
598 
599 Ripper:
600 
601 Group Captain, the planes are not going to be recalled. My attack
602 orders have been issued and the orders stand.
603 
604 Mandrake:
605 
606 Well, if you'll excuse me saying so, sir. That would be, to my way of
607 thinking, rather... well rather an odd way of looking at it. You see,
608 if a Russian attack was in progress we would certainly not be hearing
609 civilian broadcasting.
610 
611 Ripper:
612 
613 Are you certain of that, Mandrake?
614 
615 Mandrake:
616 
617 I'm absolutely positive about that, sir, yes.
618 
619 Ripper:
620 
621 And what if it is true?
622 
623 Mandrake:
624 
625 Well I'm afraid I'm still not with you, sir. Because, I mean, if a
626 Russian attack was not in progress then your use of plan R, in fact
627 your orders to the entire wing... oh. Well I would say, sir, that
628 there was something dreadfully wrong somewhere.
629 
630 Ripper:
631 
632 Now, why don't you just take it easy Group Captain. And please make me
633 a drink of grain alcohol and rain water, and help yourself to whatever
634 you'd like.
635 
636 Mandrake:
637 
638 salutes General Ripper, sir, as an officer in Her Majesty's Air Force,
639 it is my clear duty, under the present circumstances, to issue the
640 recall code, upon my own authority, and bring back the wing. If you'll
641 excuse me sir. Mandrake tries all exits and finds them locked I'm
642 afraid sir, I must ask you for the key and the recall code. Have you
643 got them handy sir?
644 
645 Ripper:
646 
647 I told you to take it easy, Group Captain. There's nothing anybody can
648 do about this thing now. I'm the only person who knows the three
649 letter code group.
650 
651 Mandrake:
652 
653 voice cracking Then I must insist, sir, that you give them to me.
654 
655 Ripper:
656 
657 lifts a folder off of his desk and tosses it aside, revealing a blued,
658 pearl handled.45 automatic.
659 
660 Mandrake:
661 
662 Do I take it, sir, that you are threatening a brother officer with a
663 gun?
664 
665 Ripper:
666 
667 Mandrake, I suppose it never occurred to you that while we're chatting
668 here so enjoyably, a decision is being made by the President and the
669 Joint Chiefs in the war room at the Pentagon. And when they realize
670 there is no possibility of recalling the wing, there will be only one
671 course of action open: total committment.
672 
673 Mandrake, do you recall what Clemenzo once said about war?
674 
675 Mandrake:
676 
677 No. I don't think I do sir, no.
678 
679 Ripper:
680 
681 He said war was to important to be left to the Generals. When he said
682 that, fifty years ago, he might have been right. But today, war is too
683 important to be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the
684 training, nor the inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer
685 sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination,
686 communist subversion, and the international Communist conspiracy to
687 sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.
688 
689 Cut to: int. War room, Pentagon.
690 
691 Muffley:
692 
693 Sam, is everybody here?
694 
695 Stains:
696 
697 Mr. President, the Secretary of State is in Vietnam, the Secretary of
698 Defense is in Laos, and the Vice President is in Mexico City. We can
699 establish contact with them at any time if it's necessary. The
700 undersecretaries are all here, of course.
701 
702 Muffley:
703 
704 Right. Now, General Turgidson, what's going on here?
705 
706 Turgidson:
707 
708 Mr. President, about thirty-five minutes ago, General Jack Ripper, the
709 commanding General of Burpleson Air Force Base, issued an order to the
710 34 B-52's of his wing which were airborne at the time as part of a
711 special exercise we were holding called Operation Dropkick. Now, it
712 appears that the order called for the planes to attack their targets
713 inside Russia. The planes are fully armed with nuclear weapons with an
714 average load of 40 megatons each. Now the central display of Russia
715 will indicate the position of the planes. The triangles are their
716 primary targets, the squares are their secondary targets. The aircraft
717 will begin penetrating Russian radar cover within 25 minutes.
718 
719 Muffley:
720 
721 General Turgidson, I find this very difficult to understand. I was
722 under the impression that I was the only one in authority to order the
723 use of nuclear weapons.
724 
725 Turgidson:
726 
727 That's right sir. You are the only person authorized to do so. And
728 although I hate to judge before all the facts are in, it's beginning
729 to look like General Ripper exceeded his authority.
730 
731 Muffley:
732 
733 It certainly does. Far beyond the point I would have imagined
734 possible.
735 
736 Turgidson:
737 
738 Well perhaps you're forgetting the provisions of plan R, sir.
739 
740 Muffley:
741 
742 Plan R?
743 
744 Turgidson:
745 
746 Plan R is an emergency war plan in which a lower echelon commander may
747 order nuclear retaliation after a sneak attack if the normal chain of
748 command is disrupted. You approved it, sir. You must remember. Surely
749 you must recall, sir, when Senator Buford made that big hassle about
750 our deterrent lacking credibility. The idea was for plan R to be a
751 sort of retaliatory safeguard.
752 
753 Muffley:
754 
755 A safeguard.
756 
757 Turgidson:
758 
759 I admit the human element seems to have failed us here. But the idea
760 was to discourage the Russkies from any hope that they could knock out
761 Washington, and yourself, sir, as part of a general sneak attack, and
762 escape retaliation because of lack of proper command and control.
763 
764 Muffley:
765 
766 Well I assume then, that the planes will return automatically once
767 they reach their failsafe points.
768 
769 Turgidson:
770 
771 Well, sir, I'm afraid not. You see the planes were holding at their
772 failsafe points when the go code was issued. Now, once they fly beyond
773 failsafe they do not require a second order to proceed. They will fly
774 until they reach their targets.
775 
776 Muffley:
777 
778 Then why haven't you radioed the planes countermanding the go code?
779 
780 Turgidson:
781 
782 Well, I'm afraid we're unable to communicate with any of the aircraft.
783 
784 Muffley:
785 
786 Why?
787 
788 Turgidson:
789 
790 As you may recall, sir, one of the provisions of plan R provides that
791 once the go code is received the normal SSB radios in the aircraft are
792 switched into a special coded device, which I believe is designated as
793 CRM114. Now, in order to prevent the enemy from issuing fake or
794 confusing orders, CRM114 is designed not to receive at all, unless the
795 message is preceded by the correct three letter code group prefix.
796 
797 Muffley:
798 
799 Then do you mean to tell me, General Turgidson, that you will be
800 unable to recall the aircraft?
801 
802 Turgidson:
803 
804 That's about the size of it. However, we are plowing through every
805 possible three letter combination of the code. But since there are
806 seventeen thousand permutations it's going to take us about two and a
807 half days to transmit them all.
808 
809 Muffley:
810 
811 How soon did you say the planes would penetrate Russian radar cover?
812 
813 Turgidson:
814 
815 About eighteen minutes from now, sir.
816 
817 Mu Muffley:
818 
819 Are you in contact with General Ripper?
820 
821 Turgidson:
822 
823 Ah.. No sir, no, General Ripper sealed off the base and cut off all
824 communications.
825 
826 Muffley:
827 
828 Where did you get all this information?
829 
830 Turgidson:
831 
832 General Ripper called Strategic Air Command headquarters shortly after
833 he issued the go code. I have a partial transcript of that
834 conversation if you'd like me to read it.
835 
836 Muffley:
837 
838 Read it.
839 
840 Turgidson:
841 
842 The duty officer asked General Ripper to confirm the fact the he had
843 issued the go code and he said,"Yes gentlemen, they are on their way
844 in and no one can bring them back. For the sake of our country and our
845 way of life, I suggest you get the rest of SAC in after them,
846 otherwise we will be totally destroyed by red retaliation. My boys
847 will give you the best kind of start, fourteen hundred megatons worth,
848 and you sure as hell won't stop them now. So let's get going. There's
849 no other choice. God willing, we will prevail in peace and freedom
850 from fear and in true health through the purity and essence of our
851 natural fluids. God bless you all." Then he hung up. We're still
852 trying to figure out the meaning of that last phrase, sir.
853 
854 Muffley:
855 
856 There's nothing to figure out General Turgidson. This man is obviously
857 a psychotic.
858 
859 Turgidson:
860 
861 Well, I'd like to hold off judgment on a thing like that, sir, until
862 all the facts are in.
863 
864 Muffley:
865 
866 anger rising General Turgidson, when you instituted the human
867 reliability tests, you assured me there was no possibility of such a
868 thing ever occurring.
869 
870 Turgidson:
871 
872 Well I don't think it's quite fair to condemn a whole program because
873 of a single slip up sir.
874 
875 Muffley:
876 
877 I want to speak to General Ripper on the telephone, personally.
878 
879 Turgidson:
880 
881 I'm afraid that's impossible, sir.
882 
883 Muffley:
884 
885 General Turgidson, I am becoming less and less interested in your
886 estimates of what is possible and impossible. General Faceman.
887 
888 Faceman:
889 
890 Yes, sir.
891 
892 Muffley:
893 
894 Are there any army units stationed anywhere near Burpleson?
895 
896 Faceman:
897 
898 Well ah, I'll just check, sir.
899 
900 Turgidson's phone beeps
901 
902 Turgidson:
903 
904 Hello. pause, then whispering I told you never to call me here; don't
905 you know where I am? pause Well look, baby, I can't talk to you now.
906 My president needs me. Of course Bucky would rather be there with you.
907 pause Of course it isn't only physical. I deeply respect you as a
908 human being. Someday I'm going to make you Mrs. Buck Turgidson. pause
909 Listen, you go back to sleep. Bucky'll be back there just as soon as
910 he can. Alright. Listen, sug', don't forget to say your prayers. hangs
911 up and composes himself
912 
913 Faceman:
914 
915 Apparently, the 23rd airborne division is stationed seven miles away
916 at Alvarado.
917 
918 Muffley:
919 
920 General Faceman, I want them to enter the base, locate General Ripper,
921 and put him in immediate telephone contact with me.
922 
923 Faceman:
924 
925 Yes, sir.
926 
927 Turgidson:
928 
929 Mr. President, if I may advise, under condition red it is standard
930 procedure that the base be sealed off, and the base be defended by
931 base security troops. Any force trying to enter there would certainly
932 encounter very heavy casualties.
933 
934 Faceman:
935 
936 General Turgidson, with all due respect for your defense team, my boys
937 can brush'em aside without too much trouble.
938 
939 Turgidson:
940 
941 Mr. President, there are one or two points I'd like to make, if I may.
942 
943 Muffley:
944 
945 Go ahead, General.
946 
947 Turgidson:
948 
949 One, our hopes for recalling the 843rd bomb wing are quickly being
950 reduced to a very low order of probability. Two, in less than fifteen
951 minutes from now the Russkies will be making radar contact with the
952 planes. Three, when the do, they are going to go absolutely ape, and
953 they're gonna strike back with everything they've got. Four, if prior
954 to this time, we have done nothing further to suppress their
955 retaliatory capabilities, we will suffer virtual annihilation. Now,
956 five, if on the other hand, we were to immediately launch an all out
957 and coordinated attack on all their airfields and missile bases we'd
958 stand a damn good chance of catching'em with their pants down. Hell,
959 we got a five to one missile superiority as it is. We could easily
960 assign three missiles to every target, and still have a very effective
961 reserve force for any other contingency. Now, six, an unofficial study
962 which we undertook of this eventuality, indicated that we would
963 destroy ninety percent of their nuclear capabilities. We would
964 therefore prevail, and suffer only modest and acceptable civilian
965 casualties from their remaining force which would be badly damaged and
966 uncoordinated.
967 
968 Muffley:
969 
970 General, it is the avowed policy of our country never to strike first
971 with nuclear weapons.
972 
973 Turgidson:
974 
975 Well, Mr. President, I would say that General Ripper has already
976 invalidated that policy. laughs
977 
978 Muffley:
979 
980 That was not an act of national policy and there are still
981 alternatives left open to us.
982 
983 Turgidson:
984 
985 Mr. President, we are rapidly approaching a moment of truth both for
986 ourselves as human beings and for the life of our nation. Now, the
987 truth is not always a pleasant thing, but it is necessary now make a
988 choice, to choose between two admittedly regrettable, but
989 nevertheless, distinguishable post-war environments: one where you got
990 twenty million people killed, and the other where you got a hundred
991 and fifty million people killed.
992 
993 Muffley:
994 
995 You're talking about mass murder, General, not war.
996 
997 Turgidson:
998 
999 Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed. But I
1000 do say... no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops. Uh...
1001 depended on the breaks.
1002 
1003 Muffley:
1004 
1005 I will not go down in history as the greatest mass murderer since
1006 Adolph Hitler!
1007 
1008 Turgidson:
1009 
1010 Perhaps it might be better, Mr. President, if you were more concerned
1011 with the American people, than with your image in the history books.
1012 
1013 Muffley:
1014 
1015 General Turgidson, I think I've heard quite sufficient from you, thank
1016 you very much!
1017 
1018 Stains:
1019 
1020 Mr. President, they have the ambassador waiting upstairs.
1021 
1022 Muffley:
1023 
1024 Oh, good. Any difficulty?
1025 
1026 Stains:
1027 
1028 They say he's having a fit about that squad of MPs.
1029 
1030 Muffley:
1031 
1032 Yes, that can't be helped. Have him brought down here straight away.
1033 
1034 Stains:
1035 
1036 Yes, sir.
1037 
1038 Turgidson:
1039 
1040 Is that the Russian Ambassador you're talking about?
1041 
1042 Muffley:
1043 
1044 Yes, it is, General.
1045 
1046 Turgidson:
1047 
1048 Ahh, am I to understand the Russian Ambassador is to be admitted
1049 entrance to the War Room?
1050 
1051 Muffley:
1052 
1053 That is correct. He is here on my orders.
1054 
1055 Turgidson:
1056 
1057 I... I don't know exactly how to put this, sir, but are you aware of
1058 what a serious breach of security that would be? I mean... begins
1059 closing his notebooks he'll see everything. He'll see the big board!
1060 
1061 Muffley:
1062 
1063 That is precisely the idea, General. That is precisely the idea.
1064 Stains, get Premier Kissov on the Hotline.
1065 
1066 Cut to: int. Airborne B-52
1067 
1068 Kong:
1069 
1070 Survival Kit contents check. In them you will find: one 45 caliber
1071 automatic, two boxes of ammunition, four days concentrated emergency
1072 rations, one drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin
1073 pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills, one miniature
1074 combination Rooshan phrase book and Bible, one hundred dollars in
1075 rubles, one hundred dollars in gold, nine packs of chewing gum, one
1076 issue of prophylactics, three lipsticks, three pair of nylon stockings
1077 -- shoot, a fellah could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all
1078 that stuff....
1079 
1080 Cut to: int. War Room
1081 
1082 DeSadeski enters in a great coat, finishes the contents of a drinking
1083 glass, and places the glass on a banquet table covered with an ornate
1084 array of meats, breads, and pies.
1085 
1086 DeSadeski:
1087 
1088 You don't have any fresh fish?
1089 
1090 Aide:
1091 
1092 I'm afraid not sir.
1093 
1094 DeSadeski:
1095 
1096 Your eggs, then, they are fresh?
1097 
1098 Aide:
1099 
1100 Oh, yes, sir.
1101 
1102 DeSadeski:
1103 
1104 I will have poached eggs. And bring me some cigars, please. Havana
1105 cigars.
1106 
1107 Aide:
1108 
1109 That will be all for you sir?
1110 
1111 DeSadeski:
1112 
1113 Yes.
1114 
1115 Aide:
1116 
1117 Then I'll see to it right away.
1118 
1119 General:
1120 
1121 Try one of these Jamaican cigars, ambassador, they're pretty good.
1122 
1123 DeSadeski:
1124 
1125 Thank you, no. I do not support the work of imperialist stooges.
1126 
1127 General:
1128 
1129 Oh, only commie stooges, huh?
1130 
1131 Turgidson:
1132 
1133 whispers, clutching his notebooks to his chest Mr. President, you
1134 gonna let that lousy commie punk vomit all over us like this?
1135 
1136 Stains:
1137 
1138 Mr. President, we haven't been able to reach Premier Kissov in the
1139 Kremlin. They say they don't know where he is, and he won't be back
1140 for another two hours.
1141 
1142 DeSadeski:
1143 
1144 Try B86543 Moscow.
1145 
1146 Stains:
1147 
1148 Yes sir.
1149 
1150 DeSadeski:
1151 
1152 You would never have found him through his office, Mr. President. Our
1153 Premier is a man of the people, but he is also... a man, if you follow
1154 my meaning.
1155 
1156 Muffley:
1157 
1158 laughs Fine.
1159 
1160 Turgidson:
1161 
1162 mutters to a seated General
1163 
1164 DeSadeski:
1165 
1166 What did you say?
1167 
1168 Turgidson:
1169 
1170 I said, Premier Kissov is a degenerate atheist commie! That's what I
1171 said.
1172 
1173 DeSadeski:
1174 
1175 Mr. President, I formally request that you have this ignorant fool
1176 removed from the war room.
1177 
1178 DeSadeski, Muffley, and Turgidson form triangular spat, each waving a
1179 pointed finger at another.
1180 
1181 Stains:
1182 
1183 interrupts argument I think they're trying the number.
1184 
1185 Track on Muffley as he walks towards Stains. OF: a struggle begins
1186 between DeSadeski and Turgidson.
1187 
1188 Muffley:
1189 
1190 to Turgidson, and DeSadeski who is on Turgidson's lap Gentlemen, you
1191 can't fight in here. This is the War Room! What is going on here? I
1192 demand an explanation.
1193 
1194 DeSadeski:
1195 
1196 This clumsy fool tried to plant that ridiculous camera on me.
1197 
1198 Turgidson:
1199 
1200 Yeah, you bet your sweets, Mr. Commie. Look at this, Mr. President.
1201 This lousy commie rat was taking pictures with this thing. Of the big
1202 board!
1203 
1204 Muffley:
1205 
1206 Mr. Ambassador!
1207 
1208 DeSadeski:
1209 
1210 This clumsy fool attempted to plant that ridiculous camera on me.
1211 
1212 Turgidson:
1213 
1214 That's a damn lie! I saw him, with my own eyes!
1215 
1216 Muffley:
1217 
1218 Gentlemen, this is outrageous. I have never heard of such behavior in
1219 the war room before.
1220 
1221 Stains:
1222 
1223 Mr. President, I think they're getting him on the line.
1224 
1225 Cut to: ext. Burpleson AFB. The attack begins.
1226 
1227 Soldier-1:
1228 
1229 You sure gotta hand it to those commies.
1230 
1231 Soldier-2:
1232 
1233 Yeah.
1234 
1235 Soldier-3:
1236 
1237 Gee, those trucks look like the real thing, don't they?
1238 
1239 Soldier-2:
1240 
1241 I wonder where they got'em from.
1242 
1243 Soldier-3:
1244 
1245 Probably bought them from the army as war surplus.
1246 
1247 Soldier-1:
1248 
1249 Ok. Open up at 200 yards.
1250 
1251 firefight begins
1252 
1253 Cut to: int. Ripper's office. Ripper and Mandrake listen to the
1254 fighting in silence.
1255 
1256 Cut to: int. War Room.
1257 
1258 Muffley:
1259 
1260 Tell him where you are, and that you'll enter the conversation if I
1261 say anything that's untrue, but please don't tell him anything more
1262 than that. Alexiy, Alexiy, please... I beg you.
1263 
1264 DeSadeski:
1265 
1266 I don't have a phone.
1267 
1268 Muffley:
1269 
1270 snaps fingers Give him your phone, Frank.
1271 
1272 DeSadeski:
1273 
1274 Govorit DeSadeski. continues in Russian, then... I've done as you
1275 asked. Be careful Mr. President. I think he's drunk.
1276 
1277 Muffley:
1278 
1279 Hello? Hello, Dimitri? Listen, I can't hear too well, do you suppose
1280 you could turn the music down just a little? Oh, that's much better.
1281 Yes. Fine, I can hear you now, Dimitri. Clear and plain and coming
1282 through fine. I'm coming through fine too, eh? Good, then. Well then
1283 as you say we're both coming through fine. Good. Well it's good that
1284 you're fine and I'm fine. I agree with you. It's great to be fine.
1285 laughs Now then Dimitri. You know how we've always talked about the
1286 possibility of something going wrong with the bomb. The bomb, Dimitri.
1287 The hydrogen bomb. Well now what happened is, one of our base
1288 commanders, he had a sort of, well he went a little funny in the head.
1289 You know. Just a little... funny. And uh, he went and did a silly
1290 thing. Well, I'll tell you what he did, he ordered his planes... to
1291 attack your country. Well let me finish, Dimitri. Let me finish,
1292 Dimitri. Well, listen, how do you think I feel about it? Can you
1293 imagine how I feel about it, Dimitri? Why do you think I'm calling
1294 you? Just to say hello? Of course I like to speak to you. Of course I
1295 like to say hello. Not now, but any time, Dimitri. I'm just calling up
1296 to tell you something terrible has happened. It's a friendly call. Of
1297 course it's a friendly call. Listen, if it wasn't friendly,... you
1298 probably wouldn't have even got it. They will not reach their targets
1299 for at least another hour. I am... I am positive, Dimitri. Listen,
1300 I've been all over this with your ambassador. It is not a trick. Well
1301 I'll tell you. We'd like to give your air staff a complete run down on
1302 the targets, the flight plans, and the defensive systems of the
1303 planes. Yes! I mean, if we're unable to recall the planes, then I'd
1304 say that, uh, well, we're just going to have to help you destroy them,
1305 Dimitri. I know they're our boys. Alright, well, listen... who should
1306 we call? Who should we call, Dimitri? The people...? Sorry, you faded
1307 away there. The People's Central Air Defense Headquarters. Where is
1308 that, Dimitri? In Omsk. Right. Yes. Oh, you'll call them first, will
1309 you? Uh huh. Listen, do you happen to have the phone number on you,
1310 Dimitri? What? I see, just ask for Omsk Information. I'm sorry too,
1311 Dimitri. I'm very sorry. Alright! You're sorrier than I am! But I am
1312 sorry as well. I am as sorry as you are, Dimitri. Don't say that you
1313 are more sorry than I am, because I am capable of being just as sorry
1314 as you are. So we're both sorry, alright? Alright. Yes he's right
1315 here. Yes, he wants to talk to you. Just a second.
1316 
1317 DeSadeski:
1318 
1319 Continues in Russian. Gradually becomes alarmed, then... Das
1320 voydaniya... Rests phone on the table before him.
1321 
1322 Muffley:
1323 
1324 What... what is it, what?
1325 
1326 DeSadeski:
1327 
1328 The fools... the mad fools.
1329 
1330 Muffley:
1331 
1332 What's happened?
1333 
1334 DeSadeski:
1335 
1336 The doomsday machine.
1337 
1338 Muffley:
1339 
1340 The doomsday machine? What is that?
1341 
1342 DeSadeski:
1343 
1344 A device which will destroy all human and animal life on earth.
1345 
1346 Muffley:
1347 
1348 All human and animal life?
1349 
1350 Cut to: int. Ripper's office. Mandrake is sitting worriedly on a
1351 couch. Ripper puts a comforting arm around his shoulder.
1352 
1353 Ripper:
1354 
1355 through his cigar Mandrake,
1356 
1357 Mandrake:
1358 
1359 Yes, Jack?
1360 
1361 Ripper:
1362 
1363 Have you ever seen a commie drink a glass of water?
1364 
1365 Mandrake:
1366 
1367 Well, no I... I can't say I have, Jack.
1368 
1369 Ripper:
1370 
1371 Vodka. That's what they drink, isn't it? Never water?
1372 
1373 Mandrake:
1374 
1375 Well I... I believe that's what they drink, Jack. Yes.
1376 
1377 Ripper:
1378 
1379 On no account will a commie ever drink water, and not without good
1380 reason.
1381 
1382 Mandrake:
1383 
1384 Oh, ah, yes. I don't quite.. see what you're getting at, Jack.
1385 
1386 Ripper:
1387 
1388 Water. That's what I'm getting at. Water. Mandrake, water is the
1389 source of all life. Seven tenths of this earth's surface is water.
1390 Why, you realize that.. seventy percent of you is water.
1391 
1392 Mandrake:
1393 
1394 Uhhh God...
1395 
1396 Ripper:
1397 
1398 And as human beings, you and I need fresh, pure water to replenish our
1399 precious bodily fluids.
1400 
1401 Mandrake:
1402 
1403 Yes. chuckles nervously
1404 
1405 Ripper:
1406 
1407 You beginning to understand?
1408 
1409 Mandrake:
1410 
1411 Yes. chuckles. begins laughing/crying quietly
1412 
1413 Ripper:
1414 
1415 Mandrake. Mandrake, have you never wondered why I drink only distilled
1416 water, or rain water, and only pure grain alcohol?
1417 
1418 Mandrake:
1419 
1420 Well it did occur to me, Jack, yes.
1421 
1422 Ripper:
1423 
1424 Have you ever heard of a thing called fluoridation? Fluoridation of
1425 water?
1426 
1427 Mandrake:
1428 
1429 Ah, yes, I have heard of that, Jack. Yes.
1430 
1431 Ripper:
1432 
1433 Well do you now what it is?
1434 
1435 Mandrake:
1436 
1437 No. No, I don't know what it is. No.
1438 
1439 Ripper:
1440 
1441 Do you realize that fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and
1442 dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face?
1443 
1444 Window in the office is shot through by automatic weapons fire.
1445 
1446 Ripper:
1447 
1448 Walks to window and shouts Two can play at this game soldier!
1449 
1450 more rounds ricochet through the office, cutting down the overhead
1451 desk lamp.
1452 
1453 Ripper:
1454 
1455 That's nice shooting, soldier! Ripper produces a machine gun from a
1456 golf bag in his closet. He turns off the lights, then sweeps his desk
1457 clear with the gun barrel, placing the gun squarely on the desk.
1458 Mandrake! Come here!
1459 
1460 Mandrake:
1461 
1462 You calling me, Jack?
1463 
1464 Ripper:
1465 
1466 Just come over here and help me with this belt.
1467 
1468 Mandrake:
1469 
1470 prone on couch I ah, I haven't had very much experience, you know,
1471 with those... sort of machines, Jack. I only ever pressed a button in
1472 my old Spitfire.
1473 
1474 Ripper:
1475 
1476 Mandrake, in the name of Her Majesty and the Continental Congress come
1477 here and feed me this belt, boy!
1478 
1479 Mandrake:
1480 
1481 Jack, I'd love to come. But, what's happened, you see, is the string
1482 in my leg's gone.
1483 
1484 Ripper:
1485 
1486 The what?
1487 
1488 Mandrake:
1489 
1490 The string. I never told you, but, you see, I've got a gammy leg. Oh
1491 dear. Gone. Shot off.
1492 
1493 Ripper:
1494 
1495 Karate-chops the receiver, cycling the action. Mandrake, come over
1496 here. The Red Coats are coming. Come on!
1497 
1498 Cut to: int. War Room
1499 
1500 DeSadeski:
1501 
1502 When it is detonated, it will produce enough lethal radioactive
1503 fallout so that within ten months, the surface of the earth will be as
1504 dead as the moon!
1505 
1506 Turgidson:
1507 
1508 Ah, come on DeSadeski, that's ridiculous. Our studies show that even
1509 the worst fallout is down to a safe level after two weeks.
1510 
1511 DeSadeski:
1512 
1513 You've obviously never heard of cobalt thorium G.
1514 
1515 Turgidson:
1516 
1517 No, what about it?
1518 
1519 DeSadeski:
1520 
1521 Cobalt thorium G has a radioactive halflife of ninety three years. If
1522 you take, say, fifty H-bombs in the hundred megaton range and jacket
1523 them with cobalt thorium G, when they are exploded they will produce a
1524 doomsday shroud. A lethal cloud of radioactivity which will encircle
1525 the earth for ninety three years!
1526 
1527 Turgidson:
1528 
1529 Ah, what a load of commie bull. I mean, afterall...
1530 
1531 Muffley:
1532 
1533 I'm afraid I don't understand something, Alexiy. Is the Premier
1534 threatening to explode this if our planes carry out their attack?
1535 
1536 DeSadeski:
1537 
1538 No sir. It is not a thing a sane man would do. The doomsday machine is
1539 designed to to trigger itself automatically.
1540 
1541 Muffley:
1542 
1543 But surely you can disarm it somehow.
1544 
1545 DeSadeski:
1546 
1547 No. It is designed to explode if any attempt is ever made to untrigger
1548 it.
1549 
1550 Muffley:
1551 
1552 Automatically?
1553 
1554 Turgidson:
1555 
1556 Ahh.. it's an obvious commie trick, Mr. President. walks backwards
1557 towards the big board We're wasting valuable time. falls over
1558 backwards and does a somersault, and brings himself back onto his feet
1559 Look at the big board! They're getting ready to clobber us!
1560 
1561 Muffley:
1562 
1563 But this is absolute madness, ambassador. Why should you build such a
1564 thing?
1565 
1566 DeSadeski:
1567 
1568 There are those of us who fought against it, but in the end we could
1569 not keep up with the expense involved in the arms race, the space
1570 race, and the peace race. And at the same time our people grumbled for
1571 more nylons and washing machines. Our doomsday scheme cost us just a
1572 small fraction of what we'd been spending on defense in a single year.
1573 But the deciding factor was when we learned that your country was
1574 working along similar lines, and we were afraid of a doomsday gap.
1575 
1576 Muffley:
1577 
1578 This is preposterous. I've never approved of anything like that.
1579 
1580 DeSadeski:
1581 
1582 Our source was the New York Times.
1583 
1584 Muffley:
1585 
1586 Dr. Strangelove, do we have anything like that in the works?
1587 
1588 Stains and Turgidson, who have been listening to Muffley and DeSadeski
1589 Stains' station at the round table, slowly turn their heads in search
1590 of Strangelove.
1591 
1592 Strangelove:
1593 
1594 in wheelchair A moment please, Mr. President. stomps one foot on the
1595 tile floor, pushes back from the table and begins wheeling towards the
1596 discussion between Muffley and DeSadeski. Under the authority granted
1597 me as director of weapons research and development, I commissioned
1598 last year a study of this project by the Bland corporation. Based on
1599 the findings of the report, my conclusion was that this idea was not a
1600 practical deterrent, for reasons which, at this moment, must be all
1601 too obvious.
1602 
1603 Muffley:
1604 
1605 Then you mean it is possible for them to have built such a thing?
1606 
1607 Strangelove:
1608 
1609 carefully plucks cigarette from his shaking right hand, which is in a
1610 black glove Mr. President, the technology required is easily within
1611 the means of even the smallest nuclear power. It requires only the
1612 will to do so.
1613 
1614 Muffley:
1615 
1616 But, how is it possible for this thing to be triggered automatically,
1617 and at the same time impossible to untrigger?
1618 
1619 Strangelove:
1620 
1621 Mr. President, it is not only possible, it is essential. That is the
1622 whole idea of this machine, you know. Deterrence is the art of
1623 producing in the mind of the enemy... the fear to attack. And so,
1624 because of the automated and irrevocable decision making process which
1625 rules out human meddling, the doomsday machine is terrifying. It's
1626 simple to understand. And completely credible, and convincing.
1627 
1628 Turgidson:
1629 
1630 Gee, I wish we had one of them doomsday machines, Stainsy.
1631 
1632 Muffley:
1633 
1634 But this is fantastic, Strangelove. How can it be triggered
1635 automatically?
1636 
1637 Strangelove:
1638 
1639 Well, it's remarkably simple to do that. When you merely wish to bury
1640 bombs, there is no limit to the size. After that they are connected to
1641 a gigantic complex of computers. Now then, a specific and clearly
1642 defined set of circumstances, under which the bombs are to be
1643 exploded, is programmed into a tape memory bank.
1644 
1645 Turgidson:
1646 
1647 Strangelove. What kind of a name is that? That ain't no kraut name, is
1648 it, Stainsy?
1649 
1650 Stains:
1651 
1652 He changed it when he became a citizen. It used to be
1653 Merkwurkdigliebe.
1654 
1655 Turgidson:
1656 
1657 Hmm. A kraut, by any other name, huh, Stainsy?
1658 
1659 Strangelove:
1660 
1661 Yes, but the... whole point of the doomsday machine... is lost... if
1662 you keep it a secret! Why didn't you tell the world, eh?
1663 
1664 DeSadeski:
1665 
1666 It was to be announced at the Party Congress on Monday. As you know,
1667 the Premier loves surprises.
1668 
1669 Cut to: ext. Burpleson AFB. Firefight continues.
1670 
1671 Cut to: int. Ripper's office. Bullets cut down picture frames behind
1672 the desk. Ripper, standing, shoots back at unseen machinegunner.
1673 Mandrake is now crouching by his side.
1674 
1675 Ripper:
1676 
1677 Stay with me Mandrake. Ripper and Mandrake crawl to one side of desk.
1678 Alright, Mandrake, now feed me. Feed me.
1679 
1680 Ripper stands and exchanges fire with attacking troops. Enemy fire
1681 subsides.
1682 
1683 Mandrake:
1684 
1685 laughs Jack, don't you think we'd be better off in some other part of
1686 the room, away from all this flying glass?
1687 
1688 Ripper:
1689 
1690 Ah, naah. We're ok here. Mandrake, do you realize that in addition to
1691 fluoridated water, why, there are studies underway to fluoridate salt,
1692 flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk, ice cream? Ice cream,
1693 Mandrake. Children's ice cream?
1694 
1695 Mandrake:
1696 
1697 Good Lord.
1698 
1699 Ripper:
1700 
1701 You know when fluoridation first began?
1702 
1703 Mandrake:
1704 
1705 No. No, I don't, Jack. No.
1706 
1707 Ripper:
1708 
1709 Nineteen hundred and forty six. Nineteen fortysix, Mandrake. How does
1710 that coincide with your postwar commie conspiracy, huh? It's
1711 incredibly obvious, isn't it? A foreign substance is introduced into
1712 our precious bodily fluids without the knowledge of the individual,
1713 and certainly without any choice. That's the way your hard core commie
1714 works.
1715 
1716 Mandrake:
1717 
1718 Jack... Jack, listen, tell me, ah... when did you first become, well,
1719 develop this theory.
1720 
1721 Ripper:
1722 
1723 Well, I ah, I I first became aware of it, Mandrake, during the
1724 physical act of love.
1725 
1726 Mandrake:
1727 
1728 sighs fearfully
1729 
1730 Ripper:
1731 
1732 Yes a profound sense of fatigue, a feeling of emptiness followed.
1733 Luckily I was able to interpret these feelings correctly: loss of
1734 essence.
1735 
1736 Mandrake:
1737 
1738 Yes...
1739 
1740 Ri Ripper:
1741 
1742 I can assure you it has not recurred, Mandrake. Women... women sense
1743 my power, and they seek the life essence. I do not avoid women,
1744 Mandrake, but I do deny them my essence.
1745 
1746 Mandrake:
1747 
1748 Heh heh... yes.
1749 
1750 Cut to: ext. Burpleson AFB. Firefight settles into a surrender of
1751 Ripper's defending troops.
1752 
1753 Cut to: int. Ripper's office.
1754 
1755 Ripper:
1756 
1757 Boys must have surrendered.
1758 
1759 Mandrake:
1760 
1761 It's the way it is. Heh heh. Now Jack, listen. While there's still
1762 time, I beg you, let's recall the wing.
1763 
1764 Ripper:
1765 
1766 struts over to an available chair, using machinegun as a walking
1767 stick, kicking debris en route. sits. Those boys were like my
1768 children, Mandrake. Now they let me down.
1769 
1770 Mandrake:
1771 
1772 No no, Jack. Not a bit of it. No, I'm sure they all gave you their
1773 very best. And I'm equally sure they all died thinking of you, every
1774 man jack of them, heh, Jack. Supposing a bit of water has gone off,
1775 eh? And certainly one can never be too sure about those sort of
1776 things. Would you look at me now. Do I look all rancid and clotted?
1777 You look at me, Jack, eh? Look, eh? And I drink a lot of water, you
1778 know. I'm what you might call a water man, Jack. That's what I am. And
1779 I can swear to you, my boy, swear to you, that there's nothing wrong
1780 with my bodily fluids. Not a thing, Jackie.
1781 
1782 Ripper:
1783 
1784 Mandrake, were you ever a prisoner of war?
1785 
1786 Mandrake:
1787 
1788 Well, Jack, the time's running...very... huh?
1789 
1790 Ripper:
1791 
1792 Were you ever a prisoner of war?
1793 
1794 Mandrake:
1795 
1796 Ah yes I was. Matter of fact, Jack, I was.
1797 
1798 Ripper:
1799 
1800 Did they torture you?
1801 
1802 Mandrake:
1803 
1804 Ah... yes, they did. I was tortured by the Japanese, Jack, if you must
1805 know. Not a pretty story.
1806 
1807 Ripper:
1808 
1809 Well what happened?
1810 
1811 Mandrake:
1812 
1813 Oh... well... I don't know, Jack. Difficult to think of under these
1814 conditions. But, well, what happened was they got me on the old
1815 Rangoon HNRR railway. I was laying train mines for the bloody Japanese
1816 puff puffs.
1817 
1818 Ripper:
1819 
1820 No, I mean when they tortured you, did you talk?
1821 
1822 Mandrake:
1823 
1824 Ah, oh no, I ah... I don't think they wanted me to talk, really. I
1825 don't think they wanted me to say anything. It was just their way of
1826 having... a bit of fun, the swines. Strange thing is they make such
1827 bloody good cameras.
1828 
1829 Ripper:
1830 
1831 You know those clowns outside are gonna give me a pretty good going
1832 over in a few minutes. For the code.
1833 
1834 Mandrake:
1835 
1836 Yes. does a double take Yes, well you may have... you may have quite a
1837 point there, Jack.
1838 
1839 Ripper:
1840 
1841 I don't know how well I could stand up under torture.
1842 
1843 Mandrake:
1844 
1845 Well of course the answer to that is, boy, no one ever does. And my
1846 advice to you, Jack, is to give me the code now. And if those devils
1847 come back and try any rough stuff, we'll fight them together, boy,
1848 like we did just now, on the floor, eh? You with the old gun, and me
1849 with the belt and the ammo, feeding you, Jack! Feed me, you said, and
1850 I was feeding you, Jack. pats Ripper on the shoulder
1851 
1852 Ripper:
1853 
1854 No, Mandrake. I happen to believe in a life after this one, and I know
1855 I'll have to answer for what I've done. And I think I can.
1856 
1857 Mandrake:
1858 
1859 Yes, well of course you can, Jack, of course you can. You can! I'm a
1860 religious man, myself, you know, Jack. I believe in all that sort of
1861 thing, and... I'm hoping, you know, Jack, rises to follow Ripper, who
1862 is walking despondently about the room, dragging the 50 cal. which he
1863 lets fall. You dropped your gun, Jack, yes... picks up the machine gun
1864 and carries it you know what I'm Ripper begins removing his jacket
1865 here, no, Jack. Let me take that for you. I'll take that for you,
1866 Jack. takes Ripper's jacket and drapes it over the gun. And, ah, you
1867 know what I'm hoping, Jack? I'm hoping you're going to give me the
1868 code, boy. That's what I'm hoping. And, ah... Ripper enters the
1869 washroom. oh, you're going have a little wash and brush up, are you?
1870 What a good idea. Always did wonders for a man, that, Jack. A little
1871 wash and brush up. Water on the back of the neck, and... makes you
1872 feel marvelous. That's what we need, Jack! Water on the back of the
1873 neck and the code. Now,... now supposing I play a little guessing game
1874 with you, Jack, boy. Ripper shuts washroom door. I'll try and guess...
1875 I'll try and guess what the code is, a gun shot rings out from within
1876 the washroom. Mandrake gapes at the closed door, drops the machine
1877 gun, and pushes on the door, which is blocked after opening a few
1878 inches.
1879 
1880 Cut to: int. Airborne B-52
1881 
1882 Copilot:
1883 
1884 Copilot to navigator, I'm ready with the fuel figures now. We have one
1885 hundred and nine thousand total, seventy nine thousand in the mains,
1886 and thirty thousand in the auxiliaries. And that works out to roughly
1887 seven hours fifteen minutes endurance for this time.
1888 
1889 DSO:
1890 
1891 DSO to Captain, I have an unidentified radar blip. Distance: 60 miles.
1892 Approximate speed: mach three. Looks like a missile tracking us!
1893 Confirmed, definite missile track. Commence evasive action right.
1894 
1895 Missile still closing range; distance: 50 miles. Continue evasive
1896 action.
1897 
1898 Copilot:
1899 
1900 OF Lock ECM to target intercept mode.
1901 
1902 DSO:
1903 
1904 ECM locked to target intercept mode. Missile still tracking and
1905 closing distance. Range: 40 miles. Continue evasive action.
1906 
1907 Electronic guidance scrambler to blue grid. Missile still tracking
1908 steady and closing distance. Range: 30 miles.
1909 
1910 Missile still closing true and steady. Continue evasive action.
1911 
1912 Range: 20 miles. Missile still closing distance... and tracking
1913 steady.
1914 
1915 Copilot:
1916 
1917 Evac range gate on maximum scan.
1918 
1919 DSO:
1920 
1921 Range gate on maximum scan.
1922 
1923 Range: 10 miles. Missile track deflecting. Continue evasive action.
1924 Deflection increasing; range: 8 miles. Deflection still increasing;
1925 range: 6 miles. Missile still deflecting; range: 4 miles.
1926 
1927 Range: 2 miles; missile still deflecting. Range: one mile; missile
1928 detonated! Distorted voices audible through headset intercom. Kong is
1929 jolted as shock wave hits the plane. Crew scrambles to attend to
1930 fires, regain control of aircraft.
1931 
1932 Kong:
1933 
1934 Spot lever to cutoff...
1935 
1936 reselect to central power...
1937 
1938 Extinguishers...
1939 
1940 Transfer switches... boost pumps up.
1941 
1942 Fuel valves three four and six.
1943 
1944 Give me full power.
1945 
1946 Aircraft returns to straight and level; under control.
1947 
1948 Cut to: int. Burpleson AFB, Ripper's office. Mandrake examines a
1949 notepad on Ripper's desk. It is covered with doodles and an
1950 interlocking pattern of the words Peace On Earth, and Purity Of
1951 Essence.
1952 
1953 Mandrake:
1954 
1955 Peace on Earth. Peace on Earth. Peace on Earth: P O E. Purity of
1956 essence. O P O E. whispers O P E.
1957 
1958 shots ring out as the doorlock is destroyed, and the door to the
1959 office opens. Enter Bat Guano, brandishing an M-1 carbine.
1960 
1961 Guano:
1962 
1963 Put your hands over your head.
1964 
1965 Mandrake:
1966 
1967 What the devil do you think you're doing, shooting your way in here?
1968 Who are you?
1969 
1970 Guano:
1971 
1972 I said, put your hands over your head. What kind of suit you call
1973 that, fellah?
1974 
1975 Mandrake:
1976 
1977 What do you mean, suit? This happens to be an R. A. F. uniform, sir.
1978 And I am Group Captain Lionel Mandrake. I am General Ripper's
1979 Executive Officer.
1980 
1981 Guano:
1982 
1983 Where's General Ripper?
1984 
1985 Mandrake:
1986 
1987 He's dead, in the bathroom.
1988 
1989 Guano:
1990 
1991 Where's the bathroom?
1992 
1993 Mandrake:
1994 
1995 Next to you.
1996 
1997 Guano:
1998 
1999 Peers around bathroom door and whistles in exclamation.
2000 
2001 Mandrake:
2002 
2003 Look, I don't know what sort of stupid game this is you're playing,
2004 but I've got a very good idea what the recall code is and I have to
2005 get in touch with SAC headquarters immediately.
2006 
2007 Guano:
2008 
2009 I said put your hands over your head and keep'em there. Got any
2010 witnesses?
2011 
2012 Mandrake:
2013 
2014 Witnesses? What are you talking about, witnesses? He shot himself!
2015 
2016 Guano:
2017 
2018 While he was shaving, huh?
2019 
2020 Mandrake:
2021 
2022 Now look, Colonel... Bat Guano, if that really is your name, may I
2023 tell you that I have a very, very good idea, I think, I hope, I pray,
2024 what the recall code is. It's some sort of recurrent theme he kept
2025 repeating. It's a variation on Peace on Earth or Purity of Essence. E
2026 O P. O P E. It's one of those!
2027 
2028 Guano:
2029 
2030 Put your hands up on top of your head. Start walking.
2031 
2032 Mandrake:
2033 
2034 Don't you know that General Ripper went as mad as a bloody march hare
2035 and sent the while wing to attack the Soviets? Don't you know that?
2036 
2037 Guano:
2038 
2039 What are you talking about?
2040 
2041 Mandrake:
2042 
2043 I'll tell you what I'm talking about. I'm going to pick up this red
2044 telephone which is connected to SAC. And I hope... blast. Blast! Shot
2045 away, I expect by one of your men during this ridiculous fighting!
2046 picks up another phone Right. glances down to discover this phone has
2047 no cord at all.
2048 
2049 Guano:
2050 
2051 Alright, Charlie, I been wasting too much time on you. I got a lot of
2052 wounded men outside. Start walking.
2053 
2054 Cut to: int. B-52. Goldie is examining the damage to the radios.
2055 
2056 Goldie:
2057 
2058 All the radio gear is out, including the CRM-114. I think the
2059 auto-destruct mechanism got hit and blew itself up.
2060 
2061 Bombardier:
2062 
2063 The fire is out. Emergency power is on. Everything seems to check out
2064 alright. Will advise.
2065 
2066 Kong:
2067 
2068 Roger. Navigator...
2069 
2070 Nav.
2071 
2072 I've worked out our rate of fuel loss at approximately one six two per
2073 minute. This gives us a radius of action sufficient to take out
2074 primary and secondary targets. But we will not, repeat, not be able to
2075 make it back to any base or neutral country. However we would have
2076 enough fuel to ditch at weather ship tango delta: grid coordinates
2077 zero zero three six nine one.
2078 
2079 Kong:
2080 
2081 Now, boys, we got three engines out; we got more holes in us than a
2082 horse trader's mule, the radio's gone and we're leaking fuel, and if
2083 we's flying any lower, why, we'd need sleigh bells on this thing. But
2084 we got one little budge on them russkies, at this this height, why,
2085 they might harpoon us but they dang sure ain't gonna spot us on no
2086 radar screen.
2087 
2088 Cut to: int. Burpleson AFB. Hallway.
2089 
2090 Guano:
2091 
2092 marching Mandrake out of Ripper's office at gunpoint The other way.
2093 
2094 Mandrake:
2095 
2096 Where are you taking me?
2097 
2098 Guano:
2099 
2100 The main gate.
2101 
2102 Mandrake:
2103 
2104 Colonel! Colonel, I must know what you think has been going on here!
2105 
2106 Guano:
2107 
2108 You wanna know what I think?
2109 
2110 Mandrake:
2111 
2112 Yes.
2113 
2114 Guano:
2115 
2116 I think you're some kind of deviated prevert. And I think General
2117 Ripper found out about your preversion, and that you were organizing
2118 some kind of mutiny of preverts. Now, move! Mandrake replaces hands on
2119 head and begins walking. On top of that I don't know anything about
2120 any planes attacking Russia. All I was told to do was get General
2121 Ripper on the phone to the President of the United States.
2122 
2123 Mandrake:
2124 
2125 Now just one second. You just said... the President.
2126 
2127 Guano:
2128 
2129 What about the President?
2130 
2131 Mandrake:
2132 
2133 Now, the president wants to speak to General Ripper, doesn't he? Now,
2134 General Ripper is dead, is he not? I am General Ripper's executive
2135 officer, so the president will bloody well want to speak to me, won't
2136 he? There's a telephone box over there, and the line may be open.
2137 
2138 Guano:
2139 
2140 You want to talk to the president of the United States?
2141 
2142 Mandrake:
2143 
2144 I don't want to talk to him, Colonel, I've got to talk to him. And I
2145 can assure you, if you don't put that gun away and stop this stupid
2146 nonsense, the court of inquiry on this'll give you such a pranging,
2147 you'll be lucky if you end up wearing the uniform of a bloody toilet
2148 attendant!
2149 
2150 Guano:
2151 
2152 Ok. Go ahead. Try and get the president of the United States on the
2153 phone. Mandrake enters phone booth and closes the door. Guano pushes
2154 it back open. If you try any preversions in there I'll blow your head
2155 off.
2156 
2157 Mandrake:
2158 
2159 places coins in the slot and dials Operator? This is Group Captain
2160 Lionel Mandrake, I'm speaking from Burpleson Air Force Base. Look,
2161 something very urgent has come up and I want you to place an emergency
2162 person to person call with President Merkin Muffley in the Pentagon,
2163 Washington D.C. Aaaa... Burpleson3-9180. No, I'm perfectly serious,
2164 operator, the President, yes the President of the United States. I'm
2165 sorry, I haven't got enough change. Um, could you... could you make
2166 this a collect call, operator? Mandrake waits on the call to be placed
2167 while Guano looks on. Just one second, operator. to Guano They won't
2168 accept the call. Have you got fifty-five cents?
2169 
2170 Guano:
2171 
2172 Well, you don't think I'd go into combat with loose change in my
2173 pocket, do you?
2174 
2175 Mandrake:
2176 
2177 Operator, look, ah... is it possible to make this an ordinary...
2178 ordinary trunk call? Well, what do you call it... you know, ah... raps
2179 on phone box with knuckles oh, ah... station to station. counts change
2180 in his palm Oh, blast. Still twenty cents short. Operator, hold on
2181 one... ah... I shan't keep you a second. to Guano Colonel, that
2182 Coca-Cola machine, I want you to shoot the lock off it. There may be
2183 some change in there.
2184 
2185 Guano:
2186 
2187 That's private property.
2188 
2189 Mandrake:
2190 
2191 exasperated Colonel, can you possibly imagine what is going to happen
2192 to you, your frame, outlook, way of life and everything, when they
2193 learn that you have obstructed a telephone call to the President of
2194 the United States? Can you imagine? Shoot it off! Shoot! With the gun!
2195 That's what the bullets are for, you twit!
2196 
2197 Guano:
2198 
2199 Ok. I'm gonna get your money for you. But if you don't get the
2200 President of the Unites States on that phone, you know what's going to
2201 happen to you?
2202 
2203 Mandrake:
2204 
2205 What?
2206 
2207 Guano:
2208 
2209 You're going to have to answer to the Coca-Cola Company. Turns to the
2210 Coke machine and fires into it. Change spills from the coin return
2211 slot. As Guano bends to collect it, coke streams from a bullet hole
2212 and showers his face.
2213 
2214 Cut to: int. War Room
2215 
2216 Voice on PA
2217 
2218 This is SAC communications control. The recall code, OPE, is being
2219 acknowledged roger by elements of the 843 bomb wing. Cheering starts
2220 among men in the War Room. These are the details: missions 12, 22, 30,
2221 and 38 are reported destroyed by enemy action. All other missions have
2222 acknowledged recall code. This is SAC communications control, over and
2223 out.
2224 
2225 Turgidson:
2226 
2227 Whistles loudly Gentlemen, gentlemen. War room falls silent. Ah,
2228 gentlemen, Mr. President, I'm not a sentimentalist at all, by nature,
2229 but I think I know what's in every heart in this room. I think we
2230 ought to all just bow our heads and give a short prayer of thanks for
2231 our deliverance.
2232 
2233 Lord, we have heard the wings of the angel of death fluttering over
2234 our heads from the valley of fear. You have seen fit to deliver us
2235 from the forces of evil...
2236 
2237 Stains:
2238 
2239 Excuse me sir, Premier Kissov's calling again and he's hopping mad.
2240 
2241 Cut to: int. Airborne B-52
2242 
2243 Goldie:
2244 
2245 Fuel flow in active engines and leakage has increased. Now works out
2246 at two zero five. Estimate remaining fuel at eight seven nine zero.
2247 
2248 Navigator:
2249 
2250 Roger. Confirm two zero five per minute and remaining fuel eight seven
2251 nine zero.
2252 
2253 Cut to: int. War Room
2254 
2255 Muffley:
2256 
2257 to phone No. No, Dimitri, there must be some mistake. No, I'm certain
2258 of that. I'm perfectly certain of that, Dimitri. Just a second. puts
2259 down phone You know what he says? He says that one of the planes
2260 hasn't turned back. He says according to information forwarded by our
2261 air staff, it's headed for the missile complex at Lapuda.
2262 
2263 Turgidson:
2264 
2265 Whah... Laughs in wheezing incredulity That's impossible, Mr.
2266 President. I mean, look at the big board! Thirty-four planes, thirty
2267 recalls acknowledged, and four splashes, and one of them was targeted
2268 for Lapuda!
2269 
2270 Muffley:
2271 
2272 to phone Dimitri? Look, we've got an acknowledgement from every plane
2273 except the four you've shot down. Oh. Oh. He says... Hang on a second,
2274 Dimitri. covers phone He says their air staff now only claims three
2275 aircraft confirmed. The fourth may only be damaged.
2276 
2277 Turgidson:
2278 
2279 Mr. President, I'm beginning to smell a big fat commie rat. I mean,
2280 supposing Kissov is lying about that fourth plane, just looking for an
2281 excuse to clobber us. I mean, if the spaghetti hits the fan, now we're
2282 really in trouble.
2283 
2284 Muffley:
2285 
2286 to phone Dimitri, look, if this report is true and the plane manages
2287 to bomb the target, is it... is this going to full.. is this going to
2288 set off the doomsday machine? Are you sure? Well, I.. I guess you're
2289 just going to have to get that plane, Dimitri! Dimitri, I'm sorry
2290 they're jamming your radar and flying so low, but they're trained to
2291 do it. You know, it's it's initiative! Look, Dimitri, you know exactly
2292 where they're going and I'm sure your entire air defense can stop a
2293 single plane. Listen, I mean, it's not going to help either one of us
2294 if a if the if the doomsday machine goes off, now is it? Dom...
2295 Dimitri there's no point in you getting you hysterical at a moment
2296 like this! Dimitri! Keep your feet on the ground when you're talking,
2297 Dimitri. I... I am not I am not getting... no, Dimitri. I... I just am
2298 worried, that's all. Look, now if our air staff say it's primary
2299 target is Lapuda and it's secondary target it Bordkov, I mean it's
2300 it's true, Dimitri! You gotta believe it. Turgidson nods affirmative
2301 Look, can I gi... Dimitri, can I give you just one word... can I give
2302 you just one word of advice, Dimitri? Listen, Dimitri, put everything
2303 you've got into those two sectors and you can't miss.
2304 
2305 Cut to: int. Airborne B-52
2306 
2307 Navigator:
2308 
2309 Sir, if we continue to lose fuel at the present rate, I estimate we
2310 only have thirty-eight minutes flying time which will not even take us
2311 as far as the primary.
2312 
2313 Kong:
2314 
2315 Dog gonnit, Sweets, you told me that you'd get me to the primary!
2316 
2317 Navigator:
2318 
2319 I'm sorry, Sir. That estimate was based on the original loss rate
2320 factor, not at two zero five.
2321 
2322 Ko Kong:
2323 
2324 I don't give a hoot in hell how you do it, you just get me to the
2325 primary, you hear?
2326 
2327 Navigator:
2328 
2329 I'm sorry Sir, but those are the figures. We'll be luck to reach
2330 weather ship at tango delta.
2331 
2332 Kong:
2333 
2334 Well... shoot. We ain't come this far just to dump this thing in the
2335 drink. What's the nearest target opportunity?
2336 
2337 Navigator:
2338 
2339 Sir, if the rate of loss does not increase, we have a chance to reach
2340 target three eight four, grid coordinate zero zero three six nine one,
2341 and possibly make it from there to the tango delta weather ship.
2342 
2343 Kong:
2344 
2345 What kind of a target is that, anyhow?
2346 
2347 Bombardier:
2348 
2349 Sir, that's the ICBM complex at Kodlosk.
2350 
2351 Kong:
2352 
2353 Alright. Designating new target three eight four. Give me a rough
2354 heading on that just as soon as you can get it worked out, will you?
2355 
2356 Cut to: int. War Room
2357 
2358 Muffley:
2359 
2360 to phone Well, we'll keep our fingers crossed, Dimitri, and remember,
2361 there's just one thing, we are all in this together. We're right
2362 behind you, Dimitri. We're with you all the way. Yes. Well, we'll keep
2363 the line open. Alright Dimitri. rests phone on the table General
2364 Turgidson, is there really a chance for that plane to get through?
2365 
2366 Turgidson:
2367 
2368 Mr. President, if I may speak freely, the Russkie talks big, but
2369 frankly, we think he's short of know how. I mean, you just can't
2370 expect a bunch of ignorant peons to understand a machine like some of
2371 our boys. And that's not meant as an insult, Mr. Ambassador, I mean,
2372 you take your average Russkie, we all know how much guts he's got.
2373 Hell, lookit look at all them them Nazis killed off and they still
2374 wouldn't quit.
2375 
2376 Muffley:
2377 
2378 Can't you stick to the point, General?
2379 
2380 Turgidson:
2381 
2382 Well, I'm sorry. Ah... If the pilot's good, see. I mean, if he's
2383 really... sharp, he can barrel that baby in so low spreads his arms
2384 like wings., laughs you oughtta see it sometime, it's a sight. A big
2385 plane, like a'52, vroom! There's jet exhaust, flyin' chickens in the
2386 barnyard!
2387 
2388 Muffley:
2389 
2390 Yeah, but has he got a chance?
2391 
2392 Turgidson:
2393 
2394 Has he got a chance? Hell Ye... ye... covers mouth in solemn
2395 realization
2396 
2397 Cut to: int. Airborne B-52
2398 
2399 Navigator:
2400 
2401 Navigator to Captain, approaching target. Distance, one zero miles.
2402 Switch from green grid to target orange.
2403 
2404 Kong:
2405 
2406 Roger. Ready for final bomb run check. Take over, Ace.
2407 
2408 Copilot:
2409 
2410 Roger.
2411 
2412 DSO:
2413 
2414 DSO ready.
2415 
2416 Bombardier:
2417 
2418 Bombardier ready, sir.
2419 
2420 Kong:
2421 
2422 Bomb fusing master safety on, electronics, barometrics, time and
2423 impact.
2424 
2425 Bombardier:
2426 
2427 Bomb fusing master safeties on, electronic, barometric, time and
2428 impact.
2429 
2430 Kong:
2431 
2432 Fused for ground burst, delay factor yellow three.
2433 
2434 Bombardier:
2435 
2436 Fused for ground burst, delay factor yellow three.
2437 
2438 Kong:
2439 
2440 Bomb fusing circuits one through four, test.
2441 
2442 Bombardier:
2443 
2444 Bomb fusing circuits one through four, test. Lights on.
2445 
2446 Kong:
2447 
2448 Bomb arming test lights on, one through four.
2449 
2450 Bombardier:
2451 
2452 Bomb arming test lights on, one through four.
2453 
2454 Kong:
2455 
2456 Engage primary trigger switch override.
2457 
2458 Bombardier:
2459 
2460 Primary trigger switch override, engaged.
2461 
2462 Kong:
2463 
2464 Track indicators to maximum deflection.
2465 
2466 Bombardier:
2467 
2468 Track indicators to maximum deflection.
2469 
2470 Kong:
2471 
2472 Detonator set to zero altitude.
2473 
2474 Bombardier:
2475 
2476 Detonator set to zero altitude.
2477 
2478 Kong:
2479 
2480 Release first safety.
2481 
2482 Airman:
2483 
2484 First safety released.
2485 
2486 Bombardier:
2487 
2488 First safety.
2489 
2490 Kong:
2491 
2492 Release second safeties.
2493 
2494 Airman:
2495 
2496 Second safety released.
2497 
2498 Bombardier:
2499 
2500 Second safety.
2501 
2502 Kong:
2503 
2504 Check bomb door circuits one through four.
2505 
2506 Bombardier:
2507 
2508 Ah... bomb door circuits, negative function. Lights red.
2509 
2510 Kong:
2511 
2512 Switch in backup circuits.
2513 
2514 Bombardier:
2515 
2516 Roger. Backup circuits switched in, still negative function.
2517 
2518 Kong:
2519 
2520 Engage emergency power.
2521 
2522 Bombardier:
2523 
2524 Roger. Emergency power on. Still negative function.
2525 
2526 Kong:
2527 
2528 Operate manual override!
2529 
2530 Bombardier:
2531 
2532 Roger. Ah... still negative function. The teleflex drive cable must be
2533 sheared away.
2534 
2535 Kong:
2536 
2537 Fire the explosive bolts!
2538 
2539 Bombardier:
2540 
2541 Roger. Um... still negative, sir. The operating circuits are dead,
2542 sir.
2543 
2544 Kong:
2545 
2546 Stay on the bomb run, Ace. I'm going down below to see what I can do.
2547 
2548 Copilot:
2549 
2550 Roger.
2551 
2552 Kong:
2553 
2554 to DSO and Bombardier Stay on the bomb run boys. I'm goin' to get them
2555 doors open if it hare lips everybody on Bear Creek. proceeds through
2556 hatch to bomb bay
2557 
2558 Kong studies a sparking tangle of wires above a suspended bomb, and
2559 then climbs atop the it, fanning the sparks with his stetson
2560 
2561 Navigator:
2562 
2563 Target orange grid reference, checks. Target distance, eight miles.
2564 
2565 Copilot:
2566 
2567 Roger, eight miles. Telemetric guidance computer into orange grid.
2568 
2569 Bombardier:
2570 
2571 Telemetric guidance computer into orange grid.
2572 
2573 Navigator:
2574 
2575 Target distance, seven miles. Correct track indicator, minus seven.
2576 
2577 Copilot:
2578 
2579 Roger. Seven miles. Set GPI acceleration factor.
2580 
2581 Bombardier:
2582 
2583 GPI diversion factor set.
2584 
2585 Navigator:
2586 
2587 Target distance, six miles.
2588 
2589 Copilot:
2590 
2591 Roger. Six miles. False ident transponder active.
2592 
2593 Bombardier:
2594 
2595 False ident transponder active.
2596 
2597 Navigator:
2598 
2599 Target distance, five miles.
2600 
2601 Copilot:
2602 
2603 Five miles. Bundling alignment factor zero mode.
2604 
2605 Bombardier:
2606 
2607 Bundling alignment factor to zero mode.
2608 
2609 Navigator:
2610 
2611 Target distance, four miles.
2612 
2613 Copilot:
2614 
2615 Roger. Four miles. Auto CDC into manual teleflex link.
2616 
2617 Bombardier:
2618 
2619 Auto CDC is to manual teleflex link.
2620 
2621 Navigator:
2622 
2623 Target distance, three miles.
2624 
2625 Copilot:
2626 
2627 Roger. Three miles.
2628 
2629 Navigator:
2630 
2631 Target in sight. Where in hell is Major Kong?
2632 
2633 Kong busily works to splice two wires together. He finishes and then
2634 attaches an alligator clip to a patch panel above his head. The bomb
2635 doors open. He grabs his stetson to keep it from blowing away in the
2636 sudden slipstream.
2637 
2638 Kong:
2639 
2640 Aaaaaa hooooo! Aaaaaaaa hooooo! the bomb is dropped, and Kong along
2641 with it
2642 
2643 Bombardier:
2644 
2645 Hey, what about Major Kong?
2646 
2647 Kong:
2648 
2649 Aaaaaa hoooo! Waaaaa hooooo! Kong rides the bomb in its falling arc
2650 waving his hat over his head, celebrating his success in ecstatic
2651 rodeo style. On reaching the ground, the bomb detonates.
2652 
2653 Cut to: int. War Room
2654 
2655 Strangelove:
2656 
2657 Executes an about face from the big board to face the camera. Mr.
2658 President, I would not rule out the chance to preserve a nucleus of
2659 human specimens. It would be quite easy... heh heh... rolls forward
2660 into the light at the bottom of ah... some of our deeper mineshafts.
2661 The radioactivity would never penetrate a mine some thousands of feet
2662 deep. And in a matter of weeks, sufficient improvements in dwelling
2663 space could easily be provided.
2664 
2665 Muffley:
2666 
2667 How long would you have to stay down there?
2668 
2669 Strangelove:
2670 
2671 Well let's see now ah, searches within his lapel cobalt thorium G.
2672 notices circular slide rule in his gloved hand aa... nn... Radioactive
2673 halflife of uh,... hmm.. I would think that uh... possibly uh... one
2674 hundred years. On finishing his calculations, he pulls the slide rule
2675 roughly from his gloved hand, and returns it to within his jacket.
2676 
2677 Muffley:
2678 
2679 You mean, people could actually stay down there for a hundred years?
2680 
2681 Strangelove:
2682 
2683 It would not be difficult mein Fuhrer! Nuclear reactors could, heh...
2684 I'm sorry. Mr. President. Nuclear reactors could provide power almost
2685 indefinitely. Greenhouses could maintain plantlife. Animals could be
2686 bred and slaughtered. A quick survey would have to be made of all the
2687 available mine sites in the country. But I would guess... that ah,
2688 dwelling space for several hundred thousands of our people could
2689 easily be provided.
2690 
2691 Muffley:
2692 
2693 Well I... I would hate to have to decide.. who stays up and.. who goes
2694 down.
2695 
2696 Strangelove:
2697 
2698 Well, that would not be necessary Mr. President. It could easily be
2699 accomplished with a computer. And a computer could be set and
2700 programmed to accept factors from youth, health, sexual fertility,
2701 intelligence, and a cross section of necessary skills. Of course it
2702 would be absolutely vital that our top government and military men be
2703 included to foster and impart the required principles of leadership
2704 and tradition. Slams down left fist. Right arm rises in stiff Nazi
2705 salute. Arrrrr! Restrains right arm with left. Naturally, they would
2706 breed prodigiously, eh? There would be much time, and little to do.
2707 But ah with the proper breeding techniques and a ratio of say, ten
2708 females to each male, I would guess that they could then work their
2709 way back to the present gross national product within say, twenty
2710 years.
2711 
2712 Muffley:
2713 
2714 But look here doctor, wouldn't this nucleus of survivors be so grief
2715 stricken and anguished that they'd, well, envy the dead and not want
2716 to go on living?
2717 
2718 Strangelove:
2719 
2720 No sir... Right arm rolls his wheelchair backwards. Excuse me.
2721 Struggles with wayward right arm, ultimately subduing it with a
2722 beating from his left.
2723 
2724 Also when... when they go down into the mine everyone would still be
2725 alive. There would be no shocking memories, and the prevailing emotion
2726 will be one of nostalgia for those left behind, combined with a spirit
2727 of bold curiosity for the adventure ahead! Ahhhh! Right are reflexes
2728 into Nazi salute. He pulls it back into his lap and beats it again.
2729 Gloved hand attempts to strangle him.
2730 
2731 Turgidson:
2732 
2733 Doctor, you mentioned the ration of ten women to each man. Now,
2734 wouldn't that necessitate the abandonment of the so called monogamous
2735 sexual relationship, I mean, as far as men were concerned?
2736 
2737 Strangelove:
2738 
2739 Regrettably, yes. But it is, you know, a sacrifice required for the
2740 future of the human race. I hasten to add that since each man will be
2741 required to do prodigious... service along these lines, the women will
2742 have to be selected for their sexual characteristics which will have
2743 to be of a highly stimulating nature.
2744 
2745 DeSadeski:
2746 
2747 I must confess, you have an astonishingly good idea there, Doctor.
2748 
2749 Strangelove:
2750 
2751 Thank you, sir.
2752 
2753 Turgidson:
2754 
2755 to Muffley I think we should look at this from the military point of
2756 view. I mean, supposing the Russkies stashes away some big bomb, see.
2757 When they come out in a hundred years they could take over!
2758 
2759 DeSadeski begins walking away from the crowd around Strangelove and
2760 the President, toward the banquet table.
2761 
2762 General:
2763 
2764 I agree, Mr. President. In fact, they might even try an immediate
2765 sneak attack so they could take over our mineshaft space.
2766 
2767 Turgidson:
2768 
2769 Yeah. I think it would be extremely naive of us, Mr. President, to
2770 imagine that these new developments are going to cause any change in
2771 Soviet expansionist policy. DeSadeski kneels, unseen, and begins
2772 photographing the big board with a secret camera within a pocket
2773 watch. I mean, we must be... increasingly on the alert to prevent them
2774 from taking over other mineshaft space, in order to breed more
2775 prodigiously than we do, thus, knocking us out in superior numbers
2776 when we emerge! Mr. President, we must not allow... a mine shaft gap!
2777 
2778 Strangelove:
2779 
2780 ...sir! stands up out of his wheelchair I have a plan. Heh. pauses,
2781 realizing that he is standing Mein Fuhrer, I can walk!
2782 
2783 Multiple scenes of exploding bombs, dancing to the tune of"We'll Meet
2784 Again."
2785 
2786 THE END