|date:||Fri, 17 May 2019 01:51:28 +0200|
|description:||mkone: fix man target (thanks Amavect)
> mkone and mkmany have backwards targets for installing man pages.
> This patch makes 'mk man' actually work for mkfiles that include mkone.
> mkmany is not easily fixed without breaking changes.
> It may go without saying that external repos should write their own mkfiles.
1 Dr. Strangelove: or, How I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb3 Fade in: Slow track over dense cloud cover. Rocky peaks visible in the4 distance.6 Wildtrack:8 For more than a year, ominous rumors have been privately circulating9 among high level western leaders, that the Soviet Union had been at10 work on what was darkly hinted to be the ultimate weapon, a doomsday11 device. Intelligence sources traced the site of the top secret Russian12 project to the perpetually fog shrouded wasteland below the arctic13 peaks of the Zokov islands. What they were building, or why it should14 be located in a such a remote and desolate place, no one could say.16 Cut to: Roll credits. Tracking shot of B-52 in mid-air refuel.17 Soundtrack lilts"Try a Little Tenderness."19 Columbia Pictures Corporation presents a Stanley Kubrick Production.21 Starring Peter Sellers George C. Scott23 Dr. Strangelove or: How I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb.25 Hawk Films LTD. All rights reserved.27 Co-starring Sterling Hayden Keenan Wynn Slim Pickens29 With Peter Bull James Earl Jones Tracy Reed Jack Creeley31 And Frank Berry Glen Beck Shane Rimmer Paul Tamarin Gordon Tanner32 Robert O'Neil Roy Stephens Hal Galili Laurence Herder John McCarthy34 Art Director Peter Murton36 Production Manager Clifton Brandon38 Assistant Director Eric Rattray40 Camera Operator Kelvin Pike42 Camera Assistant Bernard Ford44 Continuity Pamela Carlton46 Wardrobe Bridget Sellers48 The characters and incidents portrayed and the names used herein are49 fictitious and any similarity to the names, history, and characters of50 any person is entirely accidental and unintentional.52 Special Effects Wally Veevers54 Travelling Matte Vic Margutti56 Recordist Richard Bird58 Sound Supervisor John Cox60 Dubbing Mixer John Aldred62 Sound Editor Leslie Hodgson64 Assistant Editor Ray Lovejoy66 Assembly Editor Geoffrey Fry68 Make Up Stewart Freeborn70 Hairdresser Barbara Ritchie72 Artistic Advisor Capt. John Crewdson74 Main Title Pablo Ferro76 The Producers gratefully acknowledge the assistance of Solartron77 Electronics, Marconi's wireless telegraph-telephone manufacturing,78 British Oxygen.80 Music Laurie Johnson82 Director of Photography Gilbert Taylor, B.S.C.84 Anthony Harvey Film Editor86 Ken Adam Production Designer88 Associate Producer Victor Lyndon90 Screenplay by Stanley Kubrick, Terry Southern & Peter George, based on91 the book'Red Alert' by Peter George.93 Refueling nozzle gently breaks away from recieving aircraft.95 Directed and produced by Stanley Kubrick97 -----99 Cut to: Burpleson AFB, night, int, computer room. A phone buzzes.101 Petty officer:103 General Ripper, sir.105 Mandrake:107 to phone on his desk Group Captain Mandrake speaking...109 Ripper sits at his desk, cigar smoke wafting up through the light of110 his desk lamp.112 Ripper:114 to phone This is General Ripper speaking.116 Mandrake:118 Yes, sir.120 Ripper:122 You recognize my voice, Mandrake?124 Mandrake:126 I do sir, why do you ask?128 Ripper:130 Why do you think I asked?132 Mandrake:134 Well I don't know, sir. We spoke just a few moments ago on the phone,135 didn't we?137 Ripper:139 You don't think I'd ask if you recognized my voice unless it was140 pretty damned important do you, Mandrake?142 Mandrake:144 No, I don't, sir. No.146 Ripper:148 Alright, let's see if we stay on the ball. Has the wing confirmed149 holding at their failsafe points?151 Mandrake:153 Yes, sir. The confirmations have all just come in.155 Ripper:157 Very well, now, listen to me carefully. The base is being put on158 condition red. I want this flashed to all sections immediately.160 Mandrake:162 Condition red, sir. Yes. Jolly good idea, keeps the men on their toes.164 Ripper:166 Group Captain, I'm afraid this is not a exercise.168 Mandrake:170 Not an exercise, sir?172 Ripper:174 I shouldn't tell you this, Mandrake, but you're a good officer and you175 have a right to know. It looks like we're in a shooting war.177 Mandrake:179 Oh, hell. Are the Russians involved sir?181 Ripper:183 Mandrake, that's all I've been told. It just came in on the Red Phone.184 My orders are for this base to be sealed tight, and that's what I mean185 to do: seal it tight. Now, I want you to transmit plan R, R for186 Robert, to the wing. Plan R for Robert.188 Mandrake:190 Is it that bad sir?192 Ripper:194 It looks like it's pretty hairy.196 Mandrake:198 Yes sir. Plan R for Robert, sir.200 Ripper:202 Now, last, and possibly most important, I want all privately owned203 radios to be immediately impounded.205 Mandrake:207 Yes sir. Ripper:209 They might be used to issue instructions to saboteurs. As I have210 previously arranged, Air Police will have lists of all owners and I211 want every single one of them collected without exception.213 Mandrake:215 Yes sir.217 Ripper:219 And after you've done that, report back to me.221 LS Ripper in his office, closing the blinds on wall of windows looking222 out at the base. Outside, a siren sounds.224 Cut to: ext. Airborne B-52's with escorts.226 Wildtrack:228 In order to guard against surprise nuclear attack, America's Strategic229 Air Command maintains a large force of B-52 bombers airborne 24 hours230 a day. Each B-52 can deliver a nuclear bombload of 50 megatons, equal231 to 16 times the total explosive force of all the bombs and shells used232 by all the armies in World War Two. Based in America, the Airborne233 alert force is deployed from the Persian Gulf to the Arctic Ocean, but234 they have one geographical factor in common: they are all two hours235 from their targets inside Russia.237 Cut to: int. B-52. Machines spring to life as a transmission arrives.239 Goldie:241 Major Kong, I know you're gonna think this a crazy but I just got a242 message from base over the CRM 114. It decodes as Wing Attack plan R.243 R for Romeo.245 Kong:247 Goldie, did you say Wing Attack, plan R?249 Goldie:251 Yes Sir, I have.253 Kong:255 Goldie, how many times have I told you guys that I don't want no256 horsin' around on the airplane?258 Goldie:260 I'm not horsin' around, sir, that's how it decodes.262 Kong:264 Well I've been to one world fair a picnic and a rodeo and that's the265 stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones. You sure266 you got today's code?268 Goldie:270 Yes sir, it is.272 Kong:274 Ah, there's just gotta be something wrong. Wait just a second, I'm275 comin' back.277 Kong examines the decoded message and the code book.279 Kong:281 Maybe you better get a confirmation from base.283 Goldie:285 Yes sir.287 Bombardier:289 Major Kong, is it possible that this is some kind of loyalty test. You290 know, give the go code and then recall to see who would actually go?292 Kong:294 Ain't nobody ever got the go code yet. And old Ripper wouldn't be295 giving us plan R unless them Russkies had already clobbered Washington296 and alot of other towns with a sneak attack.298 Bombardier:300 Yes sir.302 Goldie:304 Major Kong, message from base confirmed.306 Kong:308 Well boys, I reckon this is it: nuclear combat, toe to toe with the309 Russkies.311 Kong climbs back into the cockpit. Soundtrack: Battle Hymn of the312 Republic.314 Kong:316 Now look boys, I ain't much of a hand at makin' speeches. But I got a317 pretty fair idea that something doggoned important's going on back318 there. And I got a fair idea of the kind of personal emotions that319 some of you fella's may be thinking. Heck, I reckon you wouldn't even320 be human beings if you didn't have some pretty strong personal321 feelings about nuclear combat. But I want you to remember one thing,322 the folks back home is a countin' on ya, and by golly we ain't about323 to let'em down. Tell you somethin' else. This thing turns out to be324 half as important is I figure it just might be, I'd say that you're325 all in line for some important promotions and personal citations when326 this thing's over with. That goes for every last one of you,327 regardless of your race, color, or your creed. Now, let's get this328 thing on the hump. We got some flying to do.330 Cut to: int. General Turgidson's studio. Phone rings.332 Miss Scott:334 Shouting Buck, should I get it?336 Turgidson:338 Muffled, OF Yeah. You have to.340 Miss Scott:342 to phone Hello? Oh, yes, General Turgidson is here, but I'm afraid he343 can't come to the phone at the moment.345 Well, this is his secretary, Miss Scott.347 softly Freddie, how are you? Fine and you? Oh, we were just catching348 up on some of the General's paperwork. Well, look Freddie, he's very349 tied up at the moment. I'm afraid he can't come to the phone. Well,350 just a minute. shouts to Tuirgidson, OF General Turgidson, a General351 Puntridge calling.353 Turgidson:355 Tell him to call back.357 Miss Scott:359 to phone Freddie, the General says could you call back in a minute or360 two? Oh. shouting He says it can't wait.362 Turgidson:364 Ah, for Pete... well... Find out what he wants.366 Miss Scott:368 Freddie, the thing is, the General is in the powder room right now.369 Could you tell me what it's about? Just a second...371 shouting Apparently they monitored a transmission about eight minutes372 ago from Burpleson Air Force Base.374 to phone Right.376 shouting It was directed to the 843'rd bomb wing on airborne alert. to377 phone Yeah.379 shouting It decoded as Wing Attack, Plan R.381 Turgidson:383 Um ah, tell him to call uh what's his name. Base commander. Ripper. I384 have to think of everything?386 Miss Scott:388 to phone The General suggests you call General Ripper, the 843rd base389 commander. Oh.391 shouting All communications are dead.393 Turgidson:395 Bull! Tell him to do it himself.397 Miss Scott:399 Freddie, the General asks if you could possibly try again yourself.401 I see.403 shouting He says he's tried personally several times, but everything404 is dead. Even the normal phone lines are shut down.406 Turgidson emerges from the bathroom, grumbling.408 Turgidson:410 to phone Fred. Buck. What's it look like? Yeah. Waa... are you sure411 it's plan R? Huh. What's cookin' on the threat board.? Nothin? Nothin412 at all? I don't like the look of this, Fred. Alright, I tell you what413 you better do, old buddy. slaps his belly You better give Elmo and414 Charlie a blast, and bump everything up to condition red and stand by415 the blower, I'll get back to you. hangs up417 Miss Scott:419 What's up?421 Turgidson:423 Nothing. Nothing. Where's my shorts?425 Miss Scott:427 On the floor. Where are you going?429 Turgidson:431 No place. No... no place... I just thought I might mosey over to the432 War room for a few minutes. See what's doing over there.434 Miss Scott:436 It's three o'clock in the morning.438 Turgidson:440 laughs The Air Force never sleeps.442 Miss Scott:444 Buck, honey... I'm not sleepy either.446 Turgidson:448 I know how it is, baby. Tell you what you do. You just start your449 countdown, and old Bucky'll be back here before you can say... Blast450 Off!452 Cut to: ext. Burpleson AFB. Night. Ripper's voice booms over the PA.453 Ready soldiers stand listening.455 Ripper:457 Your commie has no regard for human life, not even his own. And for458 this reason, men, I want to impress upon you the need for extreme459 watchfulness. The enemy may come individually, or he may come in460 strength. He may even come in the uniform of our own troops. But461 however he comes we must stop him. We must not allow him to gain462 entrance to this base. Now, I am going to give you three simple rules.463 First, trust no one, whatever his uniform or rank, unless he is known464 to you personally. Second, anyone or anything that approaches within465 200 yards of the perimeter is to be fired upon. Third, if in doubt,466 shoot first, and ask questions afterwards. I would sooner accept a few467 casualties through accident than lose the entire base and its468 personnel through carelessness. Any variation on these rules must come469 from me personally. Now, men, in conclusion, I would like to say that,470 in the two years it has been my privilege to be your commanding471 officer, I have always expected the best from you, and you have never472 given me anything less than that.474 Cut to: int. Burpleson AFB, omputer room. Mandrake, who has been475 closing up shop while listening to Ripper's speech, discovers a radio476 inside a line printer and switches it on. Soft jazz is playing.478 Ripper:480 cont Today, the nation is counting on us. We are not going to let them481 down. Good luck to you all.483 Cut to: int. Airborne B-52. Soundtrack: Battle Hymn of the Republic.485 Airman:487 to Kong Here's the attack profile, sir.489 Kong:491 announcing through headset intercom This is your attack profile: to492 insure that the enemy cannot monitor voice transmission or plant false493 transmission, the CRM114 is to be switched into all the receiver494 circuits. Emergency phase code prefix is to be set on the dials of the495 CRM. This'll block any transmission other than those preceded by code496 prefix. Stand by to set code prefix.498 Goldie:500 Roger. Ready to set code prefix.502 Kong:504 Set code prefix.506 Goldie:508 dials up letters: OPE Code prefix set.510 Kong:512 Lock code prefix.514 Goldie:516 Code prefix locked.518 Kong:520 Switch all receiver circuits to CRM discriminators.522 Goldie:524 All circuits switched to CRM discriminators.526 Kong:528 Check auto destruct circuits.530 Goldie:532 Auto destruct circuits checked.534 Kong:536 Primary target, the ICBM complex at Laputa. Target reference Yankee537 Golf Tango Three Six Zero. Thirty megaton nuclear device fused for538 airburst at ten thousand feet. Twenty megaton nuclear device will be539 used if first malfunctions. Otherwise proceed to secondary target,540 missile complex seven miles east of Barshaw. Target reference November541 Bravo X-Ray One Zero Eight. Fused airburst at ten, check, twelve542 thousand feet.544 Cut to: int. Burpleson AFB. Mandrake walks hurredly through the halls545 with the portable radio producing another jazz tune, now upbeat.546 Mandrake enters Ripper's office548 Mandrake:550 Excuse me sir, something rather interesting's just cropped up. Listen551 to that. Music. Civilian broadcasting. I think those fellows in the552 Pentagon have given us some sort of exercise to test our readiness.553 Personally, I think it's taking it a bit too far; our fellows will be554 inside Russian radar cover in about twenty minutes. You listen to555 that. Traffic block full of stations all churning it out.557 Ripper:559 Mandrake,561 Mandrake:563 Yes sir?565 Ripper:567 I thought I issued instructions for all radios on this base to be568 impounded.570 Mandrake:572 follows Ripper as he rises from his chair to lock his office door Well573 you did indeed sir and I was in the process of impounding this very574 one when I happened to switch it on. I thought to myself our fellows575 hitting Russian radar cover in twenty minutes, dropping all their576 stuff, I'd better tell you, because if they do, it'll cause a bit of a577 stink, won't it?579 Ripper:581 Group Captain, the officer exchange program does not give you any582 special prerogatives to question my orders.584 Mandrake:586 Well I realize that sir, but I thought you'd be rather pleased to hear587 the news. I mean after all, well let's face it we... we don't want to588 start a nuclear war unless we really have to, do we?590 Ripper:592 Please sit down. And turn that thing off.594 Mandrake:596 Yes sir. Ah, what about the planes, sir? Surely you must issue the597 recall code immediately.599 Ripper:601 Group Captain, the planes are not going to be recalled. My attack602 orders have been issued and the orders stand.604 Mandrake:606 Well, if you'll excuse me saying so, sir. That would be, to my way of607 thinking, rather... well rather an odd way of looking at it. You see,608 if a Russian attack was in progress we would certainly not be hearing609 civilian broadcasting.611 Ripper:613 Are you certain of that, Mandrake?615 Mandrake:617 I'm absolutely positive about that, sir, yes.619 Ripper:621 And what if it is true?623 Mandrake:625 Well I'm afraid I'm still not with you, sir. Because, I mean, if a626 Russian attack was not in progress then your use of plan R, in fact627 your orders to the entire wing... oh. Well I would say, sir, that628 there was something dreadfully wrong somewhere.630 Ripper:632 Now, why don't you just take it easy Group Captain. And please make me633 a drink of grain alcohol and rain water, and help yourself to whatever634 you'd like.636 Mandrake:638 salutes General Ripper, sir, as an officer in Her Majesty's Air Force,639 it is my clear duty, under the present circumstances, to issue the640 recall code, upon my own authority, and bring back the wing. If you'll641 excuse me sir. Mandrake tries all exits and finds them locked I'm642 afraid sir, I must ask you for the key and the recall code. Have you643 got them handy sir?645 Ripper:647 I told you to take it easy, Group Captain. There's nothing anybody can648 do about this thing now. I'm the only person who knows the three649 letter code group.651 Mandrake:653 voice cracking Then I must insist, sir, that you give them to me.655 Ripper:657 lifts a folder off of his desk and tosses it aside, revealing a blued,658 pearl handled.45 automatic.660 Mandrake:662 Do I take it, sir, that you are threatening a brother officer with a663 gun?665 Ripper:667 Mandrake, I suppose it never occurred to you that while we're chatting668 here so enjoyably, a decision is being made by the President and the669 Joint Chiefs in the war room at the Pentagon. And when they realize670 there is no possibility of recalling the wing, there will be only one671 course of action open: total committment.673 Mandrake, do you recall what Clemenzo once said about war?675 Mandrake:677 No. I don't think I do sir, no.679 Ripper:681 He said war was to important to be left to the Generals. When he said682 that, fifty years ago, he might have been right. But today, war is too683 important to be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the684 training, nor the inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer685 sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination,686 communist subversion, and the international Communist conspiracy to687 sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.689 Cut to: int. War room, Pentagon.691 Muffley:693 Sam, is everybody here?695 Stains:697 Mr. President, the Secretary of State is in Vietnam, the Secretary of698 Defense is in Laos, and the Vice President is in Mexico City. We can699 establish contact with them at any time if it's necessary. The700 undersecretaries are all here, of course.702 Muffley:704 Right. Now, General Turgidson, what's going on here?706 Turgidson:708 Mr. President, about thirty-five minutes ago, General Jack Ripper, the709 commanding General of Burpleson Air Force Base, issued an order to the710 34 B-52's of his wing which were airborne at the time as part of a711 special exercise we were holding called Operation Dropkick. Now, it712 appears that the order called for the planes to attack their targets713 inside Russia. The planes are fully armed with nuclear weapons with an714 average load of 40 megatons each. Now the central display of Russia715 will indicate the position of the planes. The triangles are their716 primary targets, the squares are their secondary targets. The aircraft717 will begin penetrating Russian radar cover within 25 minutes.719 Muffley:721 General Turgidson, I find this very difficult to understand. I was722 under the impression that I was the only one in authority to order the723 use of nuclear weapons.725 Turgidson:727 That's right sir. You are the only person authorized to do so. And728 although I hate to judge before all the facts are in, it's beginning729 to look like General Ripper exceeded his authority.731 Muffley:733 It certainly does. Far beyond the point I would have imagined734 possible.736 Turgidson:738 Well perhaps you're forgetting the provisions of plan R, sir.740 Muffley:742 Plan R?744 Turgidson:746 Plan R is an emergency war plan in which a lower echelon commander may747 order nuclear retaliation after a sneak attack if the normal chain of748 command is disrupted. You approved it, sir. You must remember. Surely749 you must recall, sir, when Senator Buford made that big hassle about750 our deterrent lacking credibility. The idea was for plan R to be a751 sort of retaliatory safeguard.753 Muffley:755 A safeguard.757 Turgidson:759 I admit the human element seems to have failed us here. But the idea760 was to discourage the Russkies from any hope that they could knock out761 Washington, and yourself, sir, as part of a general sneak attack, and762 escape retaliation because of lack of proper command and control.764 Muffley:766 Well I assume then, that the planes will return automatically once767 they reach their failsafe points.769 Turgidson:771 Well, sir, I'm afraid not. You see the planes were holding at their772 failsafe points when the go code was issued. Now, once they fly beyond773 failsafe they do not require a second order to proceed. They will fly774 until they reach their targets.776 Muffley:778 Then why haven't you radioed the planes countermanding the go code?780 Turgidson:782 Well, I'm afraid we're unable to communicate with any of the aircraft.784 Muffley:786 Why?788 Turgidson:790 As you may recall, sir, one of the provisions of plan R provides that791 once the go code is received the normal SSB radios in the aircraft are792 switched into a special coded device, which I believe is designated as793 CRM114. Now, in order to prevent the enemy from issuing fake or794 confusing orders, CRM114 is designed not to receive at all, unless the795 message is preceded by the correct three letter code group prefix.797 Muffley:799 Then do you mean to tell me, General Turgidson, that you will be800 unable to recall the aircraft?802 Turgidson:804 That's about the size of it. However, we are plowing through every805 possible three letter combination of the code. But since there are806 seventeen thousand permutations it's going to take us about two and a807 half days to transmit them all.809 Muffley:811 How soon did you say the planes would penetrate Russian radar cover?813 Turgidson:815 About eighteen minutes from now, sir.817 Mu Muffley:819 Are you in contact with General Ripper?821 Turgidson:823 Ah.. No sir, no, General Ripper sealed off the base and cut off all824 communications.826 Muffley:828 Where did you get all this information?830 Turgidson:832 General Ripper called Strategic Air Command headquarters shortly after833 he issued the go code. I have a partial transcript of that834 conversation if you'd like me to read it.836 Muffley:838 Read it.840 Turgidson:842 The duty officer asked General Ripper to confirm the fact the he had843 issued the go code and he said,"Yes gentlemen, they are on their way844 in and no one can bring them back. For the sake of our country and our845 way of life, I suggest you get the rest of SAC in after them,846 otherwise we will be totally destroyed by red retaliation. My boys847 will give you the best kind of start, fourteen hundred megatons worth,848 and you sure as hell won't stop them now. So let's get going. There's849 no other choice. God willing, we will prevail in peace and freedom850 from fear and in true health through the purity and essence of our851 natural fluids. God bless you all." Then he hung up. We're still852 trying to figure out the meaning of that last phrase, sir.854 Muffley:856 There's nothing to figure out General Turgidson. This man is obviously857 a psychotic.859 Turgidson:861 Well, I'd like to hold off judgment on a thing like that, sir, until862 all the facts are in.864 Muffley:866 anger rising General Turgidson, when you instituted the human867 reliability tests, you assured me there was no possibility of such a868 thing ever occurring.870 Turgidson:872 Well I don't think it's quite fair to condemn a whole program because873 of a single slip up sir.875 Muffley:877 I want to speak to General Ripper on the telephone, personally.879 Turgidson:881 I'm afraid that's impossible, sir.883 Muffley:885 General Turgidson, I am becoming less and less interested in your886 estimates of what is possible and impossible. General Faceman.888 Faceman:890 Yes, sir.892 Muffley:894 Are there any army units stationed anywhere near Burpleson?896 Faceman:898 Well ah, I'll just check, sir.900 Turgidson's phone beeps902 Turgidson:904 Hello. pause, then whispering I told you never to call me here; don't905 you know where I am? pause Well look, baby, I can't talk to you now.906 My president needs me. Of course Bucky would rather be there with you.907 pause Of course it isn't only physical. I deeply respect you as a908 human being. Someday I'm going to make you Mrs. Buck Turgidson. pause909 Listen, you go back to sleep. Bucky'll be back there just as soon as910 he can. Alright. Listen, sug', don't forget to say your prayers. hangs911 up and composes himself913 Faceman:915 Apparently, the 23rd airborne division is stationed seven miles away916 at Alvarado.918 Muffley:920 General Faceman, I want them to enter the base, locate General Ripper,921 and put him in immediate telephone contact with me.923 Faceman:925 Yes, sir.927 Turgidson:929 Mr. President, if I may advise, under condition red it is standard930 procedure that the base be sealed off, and the base be defended by931 base security troops. Any force trying to enter there would certainly932 encounter very heavy casualties.934 Faceman:936 General Turgidson, with all due respect for your defense team, my boys937 can brush'em aside without too much trouble.939 Turgidson:941 Mr. President, there are one or two points I'd like to make, if I may.943 Muffley:945 Go ahead, General.947 Turgidson:949 One, our hopes for recalling the 843rd bomb wing are quickly being950 reduced to a very low order of probability. Two, in less than fifteen951 minutes from now the Russkies will be making radar contact with the952 planes. Three, when the do, they are going to go absolutely ape, and953 they're gonna strike back with everything they've got. Four, if prior954 to this time, we have done nothing further to suppress their955 retaliatory capabilities, we will suffer virtual annihilation. Now,956 five, if on the other hand, we were to immediately launch an all out957 and coordinated attack on all their airfields and missile bases we'd958 stand a damn good chance of catching'em with their pants down. Hell,959 we got a five to one missile superiority as it is. We could easily960 assign three missiles to every target, and still have a very effective961 reserve force for any other contingency. Now, six, an unofficial study962 which we undertook of this eventuality, indicated that we would963 destroy ninety percent of their nuclear capabilities. We would964 therefore prevail, and suffer only modest and acceptable civilian965 casualties from their remaining force which would be badly damaged and966 uncoordinated.968 Muffley:970 General, it is the avowed policy of our country never to strike first971 with nuclear weapons.973 Turgidson:975 Well, Mr. President, I would say that General Ripper has already976 invalidated that policy. laughs978 Muffley:980 That was not an act of national policy and there are still981 alternatives left open to us.983 Turgidson:985 Mr. President, we are rapidly approaching a moment of truth both for986 ourselves as human beings and for the life of our nation. Now, the987 truth is not always a pleasant thing, but it is necessary now make a988 choice, to choose between two admittedly regrettable, but989 nevertheless, distinguishable post-war environments: one where you got990 twenty million people killed, and the other where you got a hundred991 and fifty million people killed.993 Muffley:995 You're talking about mass murder, General, not war.997 Turgidson:999 Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed. But I1000 do say... no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops. Uh...1001 depended on the breaks.1003 Muffley:1005 I will not go down in history as the greatest mass murderer since1006 Adolph Hitler!1008 Turgidson:1010 Perhaps it might be better, Mr. President, if you were more concerned1011 with the American people, than with your image in the history books.1013 Muffley:1015 General Turgidson, I think I've heard quite sufficient from you, thank1016 you very much!1018 Stains:1020 Mr. President, they have the ambassador waiting upstairs.1022 Muffley:1024 Oh, good. Any difficulty?1026 Stains:1028 They say he's having a fit about that squad of MPs.1030 Muffley:1032 Yes, that can't be helped. Have him brought down here straight away.1034 Stains:1036 Yes, sir.1038 Turgidson:1040 Is that the Russian Ambassador you're talking about?1042 Muffley:1044 Yes, it is, General.1046 Turgidson:1048 Ahh, am I to understand the Russian Ambassador is to be admitted1049 entrance to the War Room?1051 Muffley:1053 That is correct. He is here on my orders.1055 Turgidson:1057 I... I don't know exactly how to put this, sir, but are you aware of1058 what a serious breach of security that would be? I mean... begins1059 closing his notebooks he'll see everything. He'll see the big board!1061 Muffley:1063 That is precisely the idea, General. That is precisely the idea.1064 Stains, get Premier Kissov on the Hotline.1066 Cut to: int. Airborne B-521068 Kong:1070 Survival Kit contents check. In them you will find: one 45 caliber1071 automatic, two boxes of ammunition, four days concentrated emergency1072 rations, one drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin1073 pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills, one miniature1074 combination Rooshan phrase book and Bible, one hundred dollars in1075 rubles, one hundred dollars in gold, nine packs of chewing gum, one1076 issue of prophylactics, three lipsticks, three pair of nylon stockings1077 -- shoot, a fellah could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all1078 that stuff....1080 Cut to: int. War Room1082 DeSadeski enters in a great coat, finishes the contents of a drinking1083 glass, and places the glass on a banquet table covered with an ornate1084 array of meats, breads, and pies.1086 DeSadeski:1088 You don't have any fresh fish?1090 Aide:1092 I'm afraid not sir.1094 DeSadeski:1096 Your eggs, then, they are fresh?1098 Aide:1100 Oh, yes, sir.1102 DeSadeski:1104 I will have poached eggs. And bring me some cigars, please. Havana1105 cigars.1107 Aide:1109 That will be all for you sir?1111 DeSadeski:1113 Yes.1115 Aide:1117 Then I'll see to it right away.1119 General:1121 Try one of these Jamaican cigars, ambassador, they're pretty good.1123 DeSadeski:1125 Thank you, no. I do not support the work of imperialist stooges.1127 General:1129 Oh, only commie stooges, huh?1131 Turgidson:1133 whispers, clutching his notebooks to his chest Mr. President, you1134 gonna let that lousy commie punk vomit all over us like this?1136 Stains:1138 Mr. President, we haven't been able to reach Premier Kissov in the1139 Kremlin. They say they don't know where he is, and he won't be back1140 for another two hours.1142 DeSadeski:1144 Try B86543 Moscow.1146 Stains:1148 Yes sir.1150 DeSadeski:1152 You would never have found him through his office, Mr. President. Our1153 Premier is a man of the people, but he is also... a man, if you follow1154 my meaning.1156 Muffley:1158 laughs Fine.1160 Turgidson:1162 mutters to a seated General1164 DeSadeski:1166 What did you say?1168 Turgidson:1170 I said, Premier Kissov is a degenerate atheist commie! That's what I1171 said.1173 DeSadeski:1175 Mr. President, I formally request that you have this ignorant fool1176 removed from the war room.1178 DeSadeski, Muffley, and Turgidson form triangular spat, each waving a1179 pointed finger at another.1181 Stains:1183 interrupts argument I think they're trying the number.1185 Track on Muffley as he walks towards Stains. OF: a struggle begins1186 between DeSadeski and Turgidson.1188 Muffley:1190 to Turgidson, and DeSadeski who is on Turgidson's lap Gentlemen, you1191 can't fight in here. This is the War Room! What is going on here? I1192 demand an explanation.1194 DeSadeski:1196 This clumsy fool tried to plant that ridiculous camera on me.1198 Turgidson:1200 Yeah, you bet your sweets, Mr. Commie. Look at this, Mr. President.1201 This lousy commie rat was taking pictures with this thing. Of the big1202 board!1204 Muffley:1206 Mr. Ambassador!1208 DeSadeski:1210 This clumsy fool attempted to plant that ridiculous camera on me.1212 Turgidson:1214 That's a damn lie! I saw him, with my own eyes!1216 Muffley:1218 Gentlemen, this is outrageous. I have never heard of such behavior in1219 the war room before.1221 Stains:1223 Mr. President, I think they're getting him on the line.1225 Cut to: ext. Burpleson AFB. The attack begins.1227 Soldier-1:1229 You sure gotta hand it to those commies.1231 Soldier-2:1233 Yeah.1235 Soldier-3:1237 Gee, those trucks look like the real thing, don't they?1239 Soldier-2:1241 I wonder where they got'em from.1243 Soldier-3:1245 Probably bought them from the army as war surplus.1247 Soldier-1:1249 Ok. Open up at 200 yards.1251 firefight begins1253 Cut to: int. Ripper's office. Ripper and Mandrake listen to the1254 fighting in silence.1256 Cut to: int. War Room.1258 Muffley:1260 Tell him where you are, and that you'll enter the conversation if I1261 say anything that's untrue, but please don't tell him anything more1262 than that. Alexiy, Alexiy, please... I beg you.1264 DeSadeski:1266 I don't have a phone.1268 Muffley:1270 snaps fingers Give him your phone, Frank.1272 DeSadeski:1274 Govorit DeSadeski. continues in Russian, then... I've done as you1275 asked. Be careful Mr. President. I think he's drunk.1277 Muffley:1279 Hello? Hello, Dimitri? Listen, I can't hear too well, do you suppose1280 you could turn the music down just a little? Oh, that's much better.1281 Yes. Fine, I can hear you now, Dimitri. Clear and plain and coming1282 through fine. I'm coming through fine too, eh? Good, then. Well then1283 as you say we're both coming through fine. Good. Well it's good that1284 you're fine and I'm fine. I agree with you. It's great to be fine.1285 laughs Now then Dimitri. You know how we've always talked about the1286 possibility of something going wrong with the bomb. The bomb, Dimitri.1287 The hydrogen bomb. Well now what happened is, one of our base1288 commanders, he had a sort of, well he went a little funny in the head.1289 You know. Just a little... funny. And uh, he went and did a silly1290 thing. Well, I'll tell you what he did, he ordered his planes... to1291 attack your country. Well let me finish, Dimitri. Let me finish,1292 Dimitri. Well, listen, how do you think I feel about it? Can you1293 imagine how I feel about it, Dimitri? Why do you think I'm calling1294 you? Just to say hello? Of course I like to speak to you. Of course I1295 like to say hello. Not now, but any time, Dimitri. I'm just calling up1296 to tell you something terrible has happened. It's a friendly call. Of1297 course it's a friendly call. Listen, if it wasn't friendly,... you1298 probably wouldn't have even got it. They will not reach their targets1299 for at least another hour. I am... I am positive, Dimitri. Listen,1300 I've been all over this with your ambassador. It is not a trick. Well1301 I'll tell you. We'd like to give your air staff a complete run down on1302 the targets, the flight plans, and the defensive systems of the1303 planes. Yes! I mean, if we're unable to recall the planes, then I'd1304 say that, uh, well, we're just going to have to help you destroy them,1305 Dimitri. I know they're our boys. Alright, well, listen... who should1306 we call? Who should we call, Dimitri? The people...? Sorry, you faded1307 away there. The People's Central Air Defense Headquarters. Where is1308 that, Dimitri? In Omsk. Right. Yes. Oh, you'll call them first, will1309 you? Uh huh. Listen, do you happen to have the phone number on you,1310 Dimitri? What? I see, just ask for Omsk Information. I'm sorry too,1311 Dimitri. I'm very sorry. Alright! You're sorrier than I am! But I am1312 sorry as well. I am as sorry as you are, Dimitri. Don't say that you1313 are more sorry than I am, because I am capable of being just as sorry1314 as you are. So we're both sorry, alright? Alright. Yes he's right1315 here. Yes, he wants to talk to you. Just a second.1317 DeSadeski:1319 Continues in Russian. Gradually becomes alarmed, then... Das1320 voydaniya... Rests phone on the table before him.1322 Muffley:1324 What... what is it, what?1326 DeSadeski:1328 The fools... the mad fools.1330 Muffley:1332 What's happened?1334 DeSadeski:1336 The doomsday machine.1338 Muffley:1340 The doomsday machine? What is that?1342 DeSadeski:1344 A device which will destroy all human and animal life on earth.1346 Muffley:1348 All human and animal life?1350 Cut to: int. Ripper's office. Mandrake is sitting worriedly on a1351 couch. Ripper puts a comforting arm around his shoulder.1353 Ripper:1355 through his cigar Mandrake,1357 Mandrake:1359 Yes, Jack?1361 Ripper:1363 Have you ever seen a commie drink a glass of water?1365 Mandrake:1367 Well, no I... I can't say I have, Jack.1369 Ripper:1371 Vodka. That's what they drink, isn't it? Never water?1373 Mandrake:1375 Well I... I believe that's what they drink, Jack. Yes.1377 Ripper:1379 On no account will a commie ever drink water, and not without good1380 reason.1382 Mandrake:1384 Oh, ah, yes. I don't quite.. see what you're getting at, Jack.1386 Ripper:1388 Water. That's what I'm getting at. Water. Mandrake, water is the1389 source of all life. Seven tenths of this earth's surface is water.1390 Why, you realize that.. seventy percent of you is water.1392 Mandrake:1394 Uhhh God...1396 Ripper:1398 And as human beings, you and I need fresh, pure water to replenish our1399 precious bodily fluids.1401 Mandrake:1403 Yes. chuckles nervously1405 Ripper:1407 You beginning to understand?1409 Mandrake:1411 Yes. chuckles. begins laughing/crying quietly1413 Ripper:1415 Mandrake. Mandrake, have you never wondered why I drink only distilled1416 water, or rain water, and only pure grain alcohol?1418 Mandrake:1420 Well it did occur to me, Jack, yes.1422 Ripper:1424 Have you ever heard of a thing called fluoridation? Fluoridation of1425 water?1427 Mandrake:1429 Ah, yes, I have heard of that, Jack. Yes.1431 Ripper:1433 Well do you now what it is?1435 Mandrake:1437 No. No, I don't know what it is. No.1439 Ripper:1441 Do you realize that fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and1442 dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face?1444 Window in the office is shot through by automatic weapons fire.1446 Ripper:1448 Walks to window and shouts Two can play at this game soldier!1450 more rounds ricochet through the office, cutting down the overhead1451 desk lamp.1453 Ripper:1455 That's nice shooting, soldier! Ripper produces a machine gun from a1456 golf bag in his closet. He turns off the lights, then sweeps his desk1457 clear with the gun barrel, placing the gun squarely on the desk.1458 Mandrake! Come here!1460 Mandrake:1462 You calling me, Jack?1464 Ripper:1466 Just come over here and help me with this belt.1468 Mandrake:1470 prone on couch I ah, I haven't had very much experience, you know,1471 with those... sort of machines, Jack. I only ever pressed a button in1472 my old Spitfire.1474 Ripper:1476 Mandrake, in the name of Her Majesty and the Continental Congress come1477 here and feed me this belt, boy!1479 Mandrake:1481 Jack, I'd love to come. But, what's happened, you see, is the string1482 in my leg's gone.1484 Ripper:1486 The what?1488 Mandrake:1490 The string. I never told you, but, you see, I've got a gammy leg. Oh1491 dear. Gone. Shot off.1493 Ripper:1495 Karate-chops the receiver, cycling the action. Mandrake, come over1496 here. The Red Coats are coming. Come on!1498 Cut to: int. War Room1500 DeSadeski:1502 When it is detonated, it will produce enough lethal radioactive1503 fallout so that within ten months, the surface of the earth will be as1504 dead as the moon!1506 Turgidson:1508 Ah, come on DeSadeski, that's ridiculous. Our studies show that even1509 the worst fallout is down to a safe level after two weeks.1511 DeSadeski:1513 You've obviously never heard of cobalt thorium G.1515 Turgidson:1517 No, what about it?1519 DeSadeski:1521 Cobalt thorium G has a radioactive halflife of ninety three years. If1522 you take, say, fifty H-bombs in the hundred megaton range and jacket1523 them with cobalt thorium G, when they are exploded they will produce a1524 doomsday shroud. A lethal cloud of radioactivity which will encircle1525 the earth for ninety three years!1527 Turgidson:1529 Ah, what a load of commie bull. I mean, afterall...1531 Muffley:1533 I'm afraid I don't understand something, Alexiy. Is the Premier1534 threatening to explode this if our planes carry out their attack?1536 DeSadeski:1538 No sir. It is not a thing a sane man would do. The doomsday machine is1539 designed to to trigger itself automatically.1541 Muffley:1543 But surely you can disarm it somehow.1545 DeSadeski:1547 No. It is designed to explode if any attempt is ever made to untrigger1548 it.1550 Muffley:1552 Automatically?1554 Turgidson:1556 Ahh.. it's an obvious commie trick, Mr. President. walks backwards1557 towards the big board We're wasting valuable time. falls over1558 backwards and does a somersault, and brings himself back onto his feet1559 Look at the big board! They're getting ready to clobber us!1561 Muffley:1563 But this is absolute madness, ambassador. Why should you build such a1564 thing?1566 DeSadeski:1568 There are those of us who fought against it, but in the end we could1569 not keep up with the expense involved in the arms race, the space1570 race, and the peace race. And at the same time our people grumbled for1571 more nylons and washing machines. Our doomsday scheme cost us just a1572 small fraction of what we'd been spending on defense in a single year.1573 But the deciding factor was when we learned that your country was1574 working along similar lines, and we were afraid of a doomsday gap.1576 Muffley:1578 This is preposterous. I've never approved of anything like that.1580 DeSadeski:1582 Our source was the New York Times.1584 Muffley:1586 Dr. Strangelove, do we have anything like that in the works?1588 Stains and Turgidson, who have been listening to Muffley and DeSadeski1589 Stains' station at the round table, slowly turn their heads in search1590 of Strangelove.1592 Strangelove:1594 in wheelchair A moment please, Mr. President. stomps one foot on the1595 tile floor, pushes back from the table and begins wheeling towards the1596 discussion between Muffley and DeSadeski. Under the authority granted1597 me as director of weapons research and development, I commissioned1598 last year a study of this project by the Bland corporation. Based on1599 the findings of the report, my conclusion was that this idea was not a1600 practical deterrent, for reasons which, at this moment, must be all1601 too obvious.1603 Muffley:1605 Then you mean it is possible for them to have built such a thing?1607 Strangelove:1609 carefully plucks cigarette from his shaking right hand, which is in a1610 black glove Mr. President, the technology required is easily within1611 the means of even the smallest nuclear power. It requires only the1612 will to do so.1614 Muffley:1616 But, how is it possible for this thing to be triggered automatically,1617 and at the same time impossible to untrigger?1619 Strangelove:1621 Mr. President, it is not only possible, it is essential. That is the1622 whole idea of this machine, you know. Deterrence is the art of1623 producing in the mind of the enemy... the fear to attack. And so,1624 because of the automated and irrevocable decision making process which1625 rules out human meddling, the doomsday machine is terrifying. It's1626 simple to understand. And completely credible, and convincing.1628 Turgidson:1630 Gee, I wish we had one of them doomsday machines, Stainsy.1632 Muffley:1634 But this is fantastic, Strangelove. How can it be triggered1635 automatically?1637 Strangelove:1639 Well, it's remarkably simple to do that. When you merely wish to bury1640 bombs, there is no limit to the size. After that they are connected to1641 a gigantic complex of computers. Now then, a specific and clearly1642 defined set of circumstances, under which the bombs are to be1643 exploded, is programmed into a tape memory bank.1645 Turgidson:1647 Strangelove. What kind of a name is that? That ain't no kraut name, is1648 it, Stainsy?1650 Stains:1652 He changed it when he became a citizen. It used to be1653 Merkwurkdigliebe.1655 Turgidson:1657 Hmm. A kraut, by any other name, huh, Stainsy?1659 Strangelove:1661 Yes, but the... whole point of the doomsday machine... is lost... if1662 you keep it a secret! Why didn't you tell the world, eh?1664 DeSadeski:1666 It was to be announced at the Party Congress on Monday. As you know,1667 the Premier loves surprises.1669 Cut to: ext. Burpleson AFB. Firefight continues.1671 Cut to: int. Ripper's office. Bullets cut down picture frames behind1672 the desk. Ripper, standing, shoots back at unseen machinegunner.1673 Mandrake is now crouching by his side.1675 Ripper:1677 Stay with me Mandrake. Ripper and Mandrake crawl to one side of desk.1678 Alright, Mandrake, now feed me. Feed me.1680 Ripper stands and exchanges fire with attacking troops. Enemy fire1681 subsides.1683 Mandrake:1685 laughs Jack, don't you think we'd be better off in some other part of1686 the room, away from all this flying glass?1688 Ripper:1690 Ah, naah. We're ok here. Mandrake, do you realize that in addition to1691 fluoridated water, why, there are studies underway to fluoridate salt,1692 flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk, ice cream? Ice cream,1693 Mandrake. Children's ice cream?1695 Mandrake:1697 Good Lord.1699 Ripper:1701 You know when fluoridation first began?1703 Mandrake:1705 No. No, I don't, Jack. No.1707 Ripper:1709 Nineteen hundred and forty six. Nineteen fortysix, Mandrake. How does1710 that coincide with your postwar commie conspiracy, huh? It's1711 incredibly obvious, isn't it? A foreign substance is introduced into1712 our precious bodily fluids without the knowledge of the individual,1713 and certainly without any choice. That's the way your hard core commie1714 works.1716 Mandrake:1718 Jack... Jack, listen, tell me, ah... when did you first become, well,1719 develop this theory.1721 Ripper:1723 Well, I ah, I I first became aware of it, Mandrake, during the1724 physical act of love.1726 Mandrake:1728 sighs fearfully1730 Ripper:1732 Yes a profound sense of fatigue, a feeling of emptiness followed.1733 Luckily I was able to interpret these feelings correctly: loss of1734 essence.1736 Mandrake:1738 Yes...1740 Ri Ripper:1742 I can assure you it has not recurred, Mandrake. Women... women sense1743 my power, and they seek the life essence. I do not avoid women,1744 Mandrake, but I do deny them my essence.1746 Mandrake:1748 Heh heh... yes.1750 Cut to: ext. Burpleson AFB. Firefight settles into a surrender of1751 Ripper's defending troops.1753 Cut to: int. Ripper's office.1755 Ripper:1757 Boys must have surrendered.1759 Mandrake:1761 It's the way it is. Heh heh. Now Jack, listen. While there's still1762 time, I beg you, let's recall the wing.1764 Ripper:1766 struts over to an available chair, using machinegun as a walking1767 stick, kicking debris en route. sits. Those boys were like my1768 children, Mandrake. Now they let me down.1770 Mandrake:1772 No no, Jack. Not a bit of it. No, I'm sure they all gave you their1773 very best. And I'm equally sure they all died thinking of you, every1774 man jack of them, heh, Jack. Supposing a bit of water has gone off,1775 eh? And certainly one can never be too sure about those sort of1776 things. Would you look at me now. Do I look all rancid and clotted?1777 You look at me, Jack, eh? Look, eh? And I drink a lot of water, you1778 know. I'm what you might call a water man, Jack. That's what I am. And1779 I can swear to you, my boy, swear to you, that there's nothing wrong1780 with my bodily fluids. Not a thing, Jackie.1782 Ripper:1784 Mandrake, were you ever a prisoner of war?1786 Mandrake:1788 Well, Jack, the time's running...very... huh?1790 Ripper:1792 Were you ever a prisoner of war?1794 Mandrake:1796 Ah yes I was. Matter of fact, Jack, I was.1798 Ripper:1800 Did they torture you?1802 Mandrake:1804 Ah... yes, they did. I was tortured by the Japanese, Jack, if you must1805 know. Not a pretty story.1807 Ripper:1809 Well what happened?1811 Mandrake:1813 Oh... well... I don't know, Jack. Difficult to think of under these1814 conditions. But, well, what happened was they got me on the old1815 Rangoon HNRR railway. I was laying train mines for the bloody Japanese1816 puff puffs.1818 Ripper:1820 No, I mean when they tortured you, did you talk?1822 Mandrake:1824 Ah, oh no, I ah... I don't think they wanted me to talk, really. I1825 don't think they wanted me to say anything. It was just their way of1826 having... a bit of fun, the swines. Strange thing is they make such1827 bloody good cameras.1829 Ripper:1831 You know those clowns outside are gonna give me a pretty good going1832 over in a few minutes. For the code.1834 Mandrake:1836 Yes. does a double take Yes, well you may have... you may have quite a1837 point there, Jack.1839 Ripper:1841 I don't know how well I could stand up under torture.1843 Mandrake:1845 Well of course the answer to that is, boy, no one ever does. And my1846 advice to you, Jack, is to give me the code now. And if those devils1847 come back and try any rough stuff, we'll fight them together, boy,1848 like we did just now, on the floor, eh? You with the old gun, and me1849 with the belt and the ammo, feeding you, Jack! Feed me, you said, and1850 I was feeding you, Jack. pats Ripper on the shoulder1852 Ripper:1854 No, Mandrake. I happen to believe in a life after this one, and I know1855 I'll have to answer for what I've done. And I think I can.1857 Mandrake:1859 Yes, well of course you can, Jack, of course you can. You can! I'm a1860 religious man, myself, you know, Jack. I believe in all that sort of1861 thing, and... I'm hoping, you know, Jack, rises to follow Ripper, who1862 is walking despondently about the room, dragging the 50 cal. which he1863 lets fall. You dropped your gun, Jack, yes... picks up the machine gun1864 and carries it you know what I'm Ripper begins removing his jacket1865 here, no, Jack. Let me take that for you. I'll take that for you,1866 Jack. takes Ripper's jacket and drapes it over the gun. And, ah, you1867 know what I'm hoping, Jack? I'm hoping you're going to give me the1868 code, boy. That's what I'm hoping. And, ah... Ripper enters the1869 washroom. oh, you're going have a little wash and brush up, are you?1870 What a good idea. Always did wonders for a man, that, Jack. A little1871 wash and brush up. Water on the back of the neck, and... makes you1872 feel marvelous. That's what we need, Jack! Water on the back of the1873 neck and the code. Now,... now supposing I play a little guessing game1874 with you, Jack, boy. Ripper shuts washroom door. I'll try and guess...1875 I'll try and guess what the code is, a gun shot rings out from within1876 the washroom. Mandrake gapes at the closed door, drops the machine1877 gun, and pushes on the door, which is blocked after opening a few1878 inches.1880 Cut to: int. Airborne B-521882 Copilot:1884 Copilot to navigator, I'm ready with the fuel figures now. We have one1885 hundred and nine thousand total, seventy nine thousand in the mains,1886 and thirty thousand in the auxiliaries. And that works out to roughly1887 seven hours fifteen minutes endurance for this time.1889 DSO:1891 DSO to Captain, I have an unidentified radar blip. Distance: 60 miles.1892 Approximate speed: mach three. Looks like a missile tracking us!1893 Confirmed, definite missile track. Commence evasive action right.1895 Missile still closing range; distance: 50 miles. Continue evasive1896 action.1898 Copilot:1900 OF Lock ECM to target intercept mode.1902 DSO:1904 ECM locked to target intercept mode. Missile still tracking and1905 closing distance. Range: 40 miles. Continue evasive action.1907 Electronic guidance scrambler to blue grid. Missile still tracking1908 steady and closing distance. Range: 30 miles.1910 Missile still closing true and steady. Continue evasive action.1912 Range: 20 miles. Missile still closing distance... and tracking1913 steady.1915 Copilot:1917 Evac range gate on maximum scan.1919 DSO:1921 Range gate on maximum scan.1923 Range: 10 miles. Missile track deflecting. Continue evasive action.1924 Deflection increasing; range: 8 miles. Deflection still increasing;1925 range: 6 miles. Missile still deflecting; range: 4 miles.1927 Range: 2 miles; missile still deflecting. Range: one mile; missile1928 detonated! Distorted voices audible through headset intercom. Kong is1929 jolted as shock wave hits the plane. Crew scrambles to attend to1930 fires, regain control of aircraft.1932 Kong:1934 Spot lever to cutoff...1936 reselect to central power...1938 Extinguishers...1940 Transfer switches... boost pumps up.1942 Fuel valves three four and six.1944 Give me full power.1946 Aircraft returns to straight and level; under control.1948 Cut to: int. Burpleson AFB, Ripper's office. Mandrake examines a1949 notepad on Ripper's desk. It is covered with doodles and an1950 interlocking pattern of the words Peace On Earth, and Purity Of1951 Essence.1953 Mandrake:1955 Peace on Earth. Peace on Earth. Peace on Earth: P O E. Purity of1956 essence. O P O E. whispers O P E.1958 shots ring out as the doorlock is destroyed, and the door to the1959 office opens. Enter Bat Guano, brandishing an M-1 carbine.1961 Guano:1963 Put your hands over your head.1965 Mandrake:1967 What the devil do you think you're doing, shooting your way in here?1968 Who are you?1970 Guano:1972 I said, put your hands over your head. What kind of suit you call1973 that, fellah?1975 Mandrake:1977 What do you mean, suit? This happens to be an R. A. F. uniform, sir.1978 And I am Group Captain Lionel Mandrake. I am General Ripper's1979 Executive Officer.1981 Guano:1983 Where's General Ripper?1985 Mandrake:1987 He's dead, in the bathroom.1989 Guano:1991 Where's the bathroom?1993 Mandrake:1995 Next to you.1997 Guano:1999 Peers around bathroom door and whistles in exclamation.2001 Mandrake:2003 Look, I don't know what sort of stupid game this is you're playing,2004 but I've got a very good idea what the recall code is and I have to2005 get in touch with SAC headquarters immediately.2007 Guano:2009 I said put your hands over your head and keep'em there. Got any2010 witnesses?2012 Mandrake:2014 Witnesses? What are you talking about, witnesses? He shot himself!2016 Guano:2018 While he was shaving, huh?2020 Mandrake:2022 Now look, Colonel... Bat Guano, if that really is your name, may I2023 tell you that I have a very, very good idea, I think, I hope, I pray,2024 what the recall code is. It's some sort of recurrent theme he kept2025 repeating. It's a variation on Peace on Earth or Purity of Essence. E2026 O P. O P E. It's one of those!2028 Guano:2030 Put your hands up on top of your head. Start walking.2032 Mandrake:2034 Don't you know that General Ripper went as mad as a bloody march hare2035 and sent the while wing to attack the Soviets? Don't you know that?2037 Guano:2039 What are you talking about?2041 Mandrake:2043 I'll tell you what I'm talking about. I'm going to pick up this red2044 telephone which is connected to SAC. And I hope... blast. Blast! Shot2045 away, I expect by one of your men during this ridiculous fighting!2046 picks up another phone Right. glances down to discover this phone has2047 no cord at all.2049 Guano:2051 Alright, Charlie, I been wasting too much time on you. I got a lot of2052 wounded men outside. Start walking.2054 Cut to: int. B-52. Goldie is examining the damage to the radios.2056 Goldie:2058 All the radio gear is out, including the CRM-114. I think the2059 auto-destruct mechanism got hit and blew itself up.2061 Bombardier:2063 The fire is out. Emergency power is on. Everything seems to check out2064 alright. Will advise.2066 Kong:2068 Roger. Navigator...2070 Nav.2072 I've worked out our rate of fuel loss at approximately one six two per2073 minute. This gives us a radius of action sufficient to take out2074 primary and secondary targets. But we will not, repeat, not be able to2075 make it back to any base or neutral country. However we would have2076 enough fuel to ditch at weather ship tango delta: grid coordinates2077 zero zero three six nine one.2079 Kong:2081 Now, boys, we got three engines out; we got more holes in us than a2082 horse trader's mule, the radio's gone and we're leaking fuel, and if2083 we's flying any lower, why, we'd need sleigh bells on this thing. But2084 we got one little budge on them russkies, at this this height, why,2085 they might harpoon us but they dang sure ain't gonna spot us on no2086 radar screen.2088 Cut to: int. Burpleson AFB. Hallway.2090 Guano:2092 marching Mandrake out of Ripper's office at gunpoint The other way.2094 Mandrake:2096 Where are you taking me?2098 Guano:2100 The main gate.2102 Mandrake:2104 Colonel! Colonel, I must know what you think has been going on here!2106 Guano:2108 You wanna know what I think?2110 Mandrake:2112 Yes.2114 Guano:2116 I think you're some kind of deviated prevert. And I think General2117 Ripper found out about your preversion, and that you were organizing2118 some kind of mutiny of preverts. Now, move! Mandrake replaces hands on2119 head and begins walking. On top of that I don't know anything about2120 any planes attacking Russia. All I was told to do was get General2121 Ripper on the phone to the President of the United States.2123 Mandrake:2125 Now just one second. You just said... the President.2127 Guano:2129 What about the President?2131 Mandrake:2133 Now, the president wants to speak to General Ripper, doesn't he? Now,2134 General Ripper is dead, is he not? I am General Ripper's executive2135 officer, so the president will bloody well want to speak to me, won't2136 he? There's a telephone box over there, and the line may be open.2138 Guano:2140 You want to talk to the president of the United States?2142 Mandrake:2144 I don't want to talk to him, Colonel, I've got to talk to him. And I2145 can assure you, if you don't put that gun away and stop this stupid2146 nonsense, the court of inquiry on this'll give you such a pranging,2147 you'll be lucky if you end up wearing the uniform of a bloody toilet2148 attendant!2150 Guano:2152 Ok. Go ahead. Try and get the president of the United States on the2153 phone. Mandrake enters phone booth and closes the door. Guano pushes2154 it back open. If you try any preversions in there I'll blow your head2155 off.2157 Mandrake:2159 places coins in the slot and dials Operator? This is Group Captain2160 Lionel Mandrake, I'm speaking from Burpleson Air Force Base. Look,2161 something very urgent has come up and I want you to place an emergency2162 person to person call with President Merkin Muffley in the Pentagon,2163 Washington D.C. Aaaa... Burpleson3-9180. No, I'm perfectly serious,2164 operator, the President, yes the President of the United States. I'm2165 sorry, I haven't got enough change. Um, could you... could you make2166 this a collect call, operator? Mandrake waits on the call to be placed2167 while Guano looks on. Just one second, operator. to Guano They won't2168 accept the call. Have you got fifty-five cents?2170 Guano:2172 Well, you don't think I'd go into combat with loose change in my2173 pocket, do you?2175 Mandrake:2177 Operator, look, ah... is it possible to make this an ordinary...2178 ordinary trunk call? Well, what do you call it... you know, ah... raps2179 on phone box with knuckles oh, ah... station to station. counts change2180 in his palm Oh, blast. Still twenty cents short. Operator, hold on2181 one... ah... I shan't keep you a second. to Guano Colonel, that2182 Coca-Cola machine, I want you to shoot the lock off it. There may be2183 some change in there.2185 Guano:2187 That's private property.2189 Mandrake:2191 exasperated Colonel, can you possibly imagine what is going to happen2192 to you, your frame, outlook, way of life and everything, when they2193 learn that you have obstructed a telephone call to the President of2194 the United States? Can you imagine? Shoot it off! Shoot! With the gun!2195 That's what the bullets are for, you twit!2197 Guano:2199 Ok. I'm gonna get your money for you. But if you don't get the2200 President of the Unites States on that phone, you know what's going to2201 happen to you?2203 Mandrake:2205 What?2207 Guano:2209 You're going to have to answer to the Coca-Cola Company. Turns to the2210 Coke machine and fires into it. Change spills from the coin return2211 slot. As Guano bends to collect it, coke streams from a bullet hole2212 and showers his face.2214 Cut to: int. War Room2216 Voice on PA2218 This is SAC communications control. The recall code, OPE, is being2219 acknowledged roger by elements of the 843 bomb wing. Cheering starts2220 among men in the War Room. These are the details: missions 12, 22, 30,2221 and 38 are reported destroyed by enemy action. All other missions have2222 acknowledged recall code. This is SAC communications control, over and2223 out.2225 Turgidson:2227 Whistles loudly Gentlemen, gentlemen. War room falls silent. Ah,2228 gentlemen, Mr. President, I'm not a sentimentalist at all, by nature,2229 but I think I know what's in every heart in this room. I think we2230 ought to all just bow our heads and give a short prayer of thanks for2231 our deliverance.2233 Lord, we have heard the wings of the angel of death fluttering over2234 our heads from the valley of fear. You have seen fit to deliver us2235 from the forces of evil...2237 Stains:2239 Excuse me sir, Premier Kissov's calling again and he's hopping mad.2241 Cut to: int. Airborne B-522243 Goldie:2245 Fuel flow in active engines and leakage has increased. Now works out2246 at two zero five. Estimate remaining fuel at eight seven nine zero.2248 Navigator:2250 Roger. Confirm two zero five per minute and remaining fuel eight seven2251 nine zero.2253 Cut to: int. War Room2255 Muffley:2257 to phone No. No, Dimitri, there must be some mistake. No, I'm certain2258 of that. I'm perfectly certain of that, Dimitri. Just a second. puts2259 down phone You know what he says? He says that one of the planes2260 hasn't turned back. He says according to information forwarded by our2261 air staff, it's headed for the missile complex at Lapuda.2263 Turgidson:2265 Whah... Laughs in wheezing incredulity That's impossible, Mr.2266 President. I mean, look at the big board! Thirty-four planes, thirty2267 recalls acknowledged, and four splashes, and one of them was targeted2268 for Lapuda!2270 Muffley:2272 to phone Dimitri? Look, we've got an acknowledgement from every plane2273 except the four you've shot down. Oh. Oh. He says... Hang on a second,2274 Dimitri. covers phone He says their air staff now only claims three2275 aircraft confirmed. The fourth may only be damaged.2277 Turgidson:2279 Mr. President, I'm beginning to smell a big fat commie rat. I mean,2280 supposing Kissov is lying about that fourth plane, just looking for an2281 excuse to clobber us. I mean, if the spaghetti hits the fan, now we're2282 really in trouble.2284 Muffley:2286 to phone Dimitri, look, if this report is true and the plane manages2287 to bomb the target, is it... is this going to full.. is this going to2288 set off the doomsday machine? Are you sure? Well, I.. I guess you're2289 just going to have to get that plane, Dimitri! Dimitri, I'm sorry2290 they're jamming your radar and flying so low, but they're trained to2291 do it. You know, it's it's initiative! Look, Dimitri, you know exactly2292 where they're going and I'm sure your entire air defense can stop a2293 single plane. Listen, I mean, it's not going to help either one of us2294 if a if the if the doomsday machine goes off, now is it? Dom...2295 Dimitri there's no point in you getting you hysterical at a moment2296 like this! Dimitri! Keep your feet on the ground when you're talking,2297 Dimitri. I... I am not I am not getting... no, Dimitri. I... I just am2298 worried, that's all. Look, now if our air staff say it's primary2299 target is Lapuda and it's secondary target it Bordkov, I mean it's2300 it's true, Dimitri! You gotta believe it. Turgidson nods affirmative2301 Look, can I gi... Dimitri, can I give you just one word... can I give2302 you just one word of advice, Dimitri? Listen, Dimitri, put everything2303 you've got into those two sectors and you can't miss.2305 Cut to: int. Airborne B-522307 Navigator:2309 Sir, if we continue to lose fuel at the present rate, I estimate we2310 only have thirty-eight minutes flying time which will not even take us2311 as far as the primary.2313 Kong:2315 Dog gonnit, Sweets, you told me that you'd get me to the primary!2317 Navigator:2319 I'm sorry, Sir. That estimate was based on the original loss rate2320 factor, not at two zero five.2322 Ko Kong:2324 I don't give a hoot in hell how you do it, you just get me to the2325 primary, you hear?2327 Navigator:2329 I'm sorry Sir, but those are the figures. We'll be luck to reach2330 weather ship at tango delta.2332 Kong:2334 Well... shoot. We ain't come this far just to dump this thing in the2335 drink. What's the nearest target opportunity?2337 Navigator:2339 Sir, if the rate of loss does not increase, we have a chance to reach2340 target three eight four, grid coordinate zero zero three six nine one,2341 and possibly make it from there to the tango delta weather ship.2343 Kong:2345 What kind of a target is that, anyhow?2347 Bombardier:2349 Sir, that's the ICBM complex at Kodlosk.2351 Kong:2353 Alright. Designating new target three eight four. Give me a rough2354 heading on that just as soon as you can get it worked out, will you?2356 Cut to: int. War Room2358 Muffley:2360 to phone Well, we'll keep our fingers crossed, Dimitri, and remember,2361 there's just one thing, we are all in this together. We're right2362 behind you, Dimitri. We're with you all the way. Yes. Well, we'll keep2363 the line open. Alright Dimitri. rests phone on the table General2364 Turgidson, is there really a chance for that plane to get through?2366 Turgidson:2368 Mr. President, if I may speak freely, the Russkie talks big, but2369 frankly, we think he's short of know how. I mean, you just can't2370 expect a bunch of ignorant peons to understand a machine like some of2371 our boys. And that's not meant as an insult, Mr. Ambassador, I mean,2372 you take your average Russkie, we all know how much guts he's got.2373 Hell, lookit look at all them them Nazis killed off and they still2374 wouldn't quit.2376 Muffley:2378 Can't you stick to the point, General?2380 Turgidson:2382 Well, I'm sorry. Ah... If the pilot's good, see. I mean, if he's2383 really... sharp, he can barrel that baby in so low spreads his arms2384 like wings., laughs you oughtta see it sometime, it's a sight. A big2385 plane, like a'52, vroom! There's jet exhaust, flyin' chickens in the2386 barnyard!2388 Muffley:2390 Yeah, but has he got a chance?2392 Turgidson:2394 Has he got a chance? Hell Ye... ye... covers mouth in solemn2395 realization2397 Cut to: int. Airborne B-522399 Navigator:2401 Navigator to Captain, approaching target. Distance, one zero miles.2402 Switch from green grid to target orange.2404 Kong:2406 Roger. Ready for final bomb run check. Take over, Ace.2408 Copilot:2410 Roger.2412 DSO:2414 DSO ready.2416 Bombardier:2418 Bombardier ready, sir.2420 Kong:2422 Bomb fusing master safety on, electronics, barometrics, time and2423 impact.2425 Bombardier:2427 Bomb fusing master safeties on, electronic, barometric, time and2428 impact.2430 Kong:2432 Fused for ground burst, delay factor yellow three.2434 Bombardier:2436 Fused for ground burst, delay factor yellow three.2438 Kong:2440 Bomb fusing circuits one through four, test.2442 Bombardier:2444 Bomb fusing circuits one through four, test. Lights on.2446 Kong:2448 Bomb arming test lights on, one through four.2450 Bombardier:2452 Bomb arming test lights on, one through four.2454 Kong:2456 Engage primary trigger switch override.2458 Bombardier:2460 Primary trigger switch override, engaged.2462 Kong:2464 Track indicators to maximum deflection.2466 Bombardier:2468 Track indicators to maximum deflection.2470 Kong:2472 Detonator set to zero altitude.2474 Bombardier:2476 Detonator set to zero altitude.2478 Kong:2480 Release first safety.2482 Airman:2484 First safety released.2486 Bombardier:2488 First safety.2490 Kong:2492 Release second safeties.2494 Airman:2496 Second safety released.2498 Bombardier:2500 Second safety.2502 Kong:2504 Check bomb door circuits one through four.2506 Bombardier:2508 Ah... bomb door circuits, negative function. Lights red.2510 Kong:2512 Switch in backup circuits.2514 Bombardier:2516 Roger. Backup circuits switched in, still negative function.2518 Kong:2520 Engage emergency power.2522 Bombardier:2524 Roger. Emergency power on. Still negative function.2526 Kong:2528 Operate manual override!2530 Bombardier:2532 Roger. Ah... still negative function. The teleflex drive cable must be2533 sheared away.2535 Kong:2537 Fire the explosive bolts!2539 Bombardier:2541 Roger. Um... still negative, sir. The operating circuits are dead,2542 sir.2544 Kong:2546 Stay on the bomb run, Ace. I'm going down below to see what I can do.2548 Copilot:2550 Roger.2552 Kong:2554 to DSO and Bombardier Stay on the bomb run boys. I'm goin' to get them2555 doors open if it hare lips everybody on Bear Creek. proceeds through2556 hatch to bomb bay2558 Kong studies a sparking tangle of wires above a suspended bomb, and2559 then climbs atop the it, fanning the sparks with his stetson2561 Navigator:2563 Target orange grid reference, checks. Target distance, eight miles.2565 Copilot:2567 Roger, eight miles. Telemetric guidance computer into orange grid.2569 Bombardier:2571 Telemetric guidance computer into orange grid.2573 Navigator:2575 Target distance, seven miles. Correct track indicator, minus seven.2577 Copilot:2579 Roger. Seven miles. Set GPI acceleration factor.2581 Bombardier:2583 GPI diversion factor set.2585 Navigator:2587 Target distance, six miles.2589 Copilot:2591 Roger. Six miles. False ident transponder active.2593 Bombardier:2595 False ident transponder active.2597 Navigator:2599 Target distance, five miles.2601 Copilot:2603 Five miles. Bundling alignment factor zero mode.2605 Bombardier:2607 Bundling alignment factor to zero mode.2609 Navigator:2611 Target distance, four miles.2613 Copilot:2615 Roger. Four miles. Auto CDC into manual teleflex link.2617 Bombardier:2619 Auto CDC is to manual teleflex link.2621 Navigator:2623 Target distance, three miles.2625 Copilot:2627 Roger. Three miles.2629 Navigator:2631 Target in sight. Where in hell is Major Kong?2633 Kong busily works to splice two wires together. He finishes and then2634 attaches an alligator clip to a patch panel above his head. The bomb2635 doors open. He grabs his stetson to keep it from blowing away in the2636 sudden slipstream.2638 Kong:2640 Aaaaaa hooooo! Aaaaaaaa hooooo! the bomb is dropped, and Kong along2641 with it2643 Bombardier:2645 Hey, what about Major Kong?2647 Kong:2649 Aaaaaa hoooo! Waaaaa hooooo! Kong rides the bomb in its falling arc2650 waving his hat over his head, celebrating his success in ecstatic2651 rodeo style. On reaching the ground, the bomb detonates.2653 Cut to: int. War Room2655 Strangelove:2657 Executes an about face from the big board to face the camera. Mr.2658 President, I would not rule out the chance to preserve a nucleus of2659 human specimens. It would be quite easy... heh heh... rolls forward2660 into the light at the bottom of ah... some of our deeper mineshafts.2661 The radioactivity would never penetrate a mine some thousands of feet2662 deep. And in a matter of weeks, sufficient improvements in dwelling2663 space could easily be provided.2665 Muffley:2667 How long would you have to stay down there?2669 Strangelove:2671 Well let's see now ah, searches within his lapel cobalt thorium G.2672 notices circular slide rule in his gloved hand aa... nn... Radioactive2673 halflife of uh,... hmm.. I would think that uh... possibly uh... one2674 hundred years. On finishing his calculations, he pulls the slide rule2675 roughly from his gloved hand, and returns it to within his jacket.2677 Muffley:2679 You mean, people could actually stay down there for a hundred years?2681 Strangelove:2683 It would not be difficult mein Fuhrer! Nuclear reactors could, heh...2684 I'm sorry. Mr. President. Nuclear reactors could provide power almost2685 indefinitely. Greenhouses could maintain plantlife. Animals could be2686 bred and slaughtered. A quick survey would have to be made of all the2687 available mine sites in the country. But I would guess... that ah,2688 dwelling space for several hundred thousands of our people could2689 easily be provided.2691 Muffley:2693 Well I... I would hate to have to decide.. who stays up and.. who goes2694 down.2696 Strangelove:2698 Well, that would not be necessary Mr. President. It could easily be2699 accomplished with a computer. And a computer could be set and2700 programmed to accept factors from youth, health, sexual fertility,2701 intelligence, and a cross section of necessary skills. Of course it2702 would be absolutely vital that our top government and military men be2703 included to foster and impart the required principles of leadership2704 and tradition. Slams down left fist. Right arm rises in stiff Nazi2705 salute. Arrrrr! Restrains right arm with left. Naturally, they would2706 breed prodigiously, eh? There would be much time, and little to do.2707 But ah with the proper breeding techniques and a ratio of say, ten2708 females to each male, I would guess that they could then work their2709 way back to the present gross national product within say, twenty2710 years.2712 Muffley:2714 But look here doctor, wouldn't this nucleus of survivors be so grief2715 stricken and anguished that they'd, well, envy the dead and not want2716 to go on living?2718 Strangelove:2720 No sir... Right arm rolls his wheelchair backwards. Excuse me.2721 Struggles with wayward right arm, ultimately subduing it with a2722 beating from his left.2724 Also when... when they go down into the mine everyone would still be2725 alive. There would be no shocking memories, and the prevailing emotion2726 will be one of nostalgia for those left behind, combined with a spirit2727 of bold curiosity for the adventure ahead! Ahhhh! Right are reflexes2728 into Nazi salute. He pulls it back into his lap and beats it again.2729 Gloved hand attempts to strangle him.2731 Turgidson:2733 Doctor, you mentioned the ration of ten women to each man. Now,2734 wouldn't that necessitate the abandonment of the so called monogamous2735 sexual relationship, I mean, as far as men were concerned?2737 Strangelove:2739 Regrettably, yes. But it is, you know, a sacrifice required for the2740 future of the human race. I hasten to add that since each man will be2741 required to do prodigious... service along these lines, the women will2742 have to be selected for their sexual characteristics which will have2743 to be of a highly stimulating nature.2745 DeSadeski:2747 I must confess, you have an astonishingly good idea there, Doctor.2749 Strangelove:2751 Thank you, sir.2753 Turgidson:2755 to Muffley I think we should look at this from the military point of2756 view. I mean, supposing the Russkies stashes away some big bomb, see.2757 When they come out in a hundred years they could take over!2759 DeSadeski begins walking away from the crowd around Strangelove and2760 the President, toward the banquet table.2762 General:2764 I agree, Mr. President. In fact, they might even try an immediate2765 sneak attack so they could take over our mineshaft space.2767 Turgidson:2769 Yeah. I think it would be extremely naive of us, Mr. President, to2770 imagine that these new developments are going to cause any change in2771 Soviet expansionist policy. DeSadeski kneels, unseen, and begins2772 photographing the big board with a secret camera within a pocket2773 watch. I mean, we must be... increasingly on the alert to prevent them2774 from taking over other mineshaft space, in order to breed more2775 prodigiously than we do, thus, knocking us out in superior numbers2776 when we emerge! Mr. President, we must not allow... a mine shaft gap!2778 Strangelove:2780 ...sir! stands up out of his wheelchair I have a plan. Heh. pauses,2781 realizing that he is standing Mein Fuhrer, I can walk!2783 Multiple scenes of exploding bombs, dancing to the tune of"We'll Meet2784 Again."2786 THE END